Next, I bet they change the sign to say ‘Pubic Library’

Reading is fundamental!

Recently, we went to our local public library so Little Man could pick up some new reading material (My kid can READ, y’all. Like, really read. Like, better than most 5th graders).

One of the books he picked out was called Your Pet Beaver. Now it sounds a little dirty, but we didn’t notice then because he also picked out Your Pet Bear and there are other animals in the series (camel, elephant, giraffe, etc.)

Then.  THEN.  I read the book to Little Man that night before bed.   Oh my Lord.

Here are some excerpts from Your Pet Beaver by Bobbie Hamsa.

1) “Grooming a beaver is rather fun.”     Ok, so you have to be a bit of a perv to think that’s dirty, but as it turns out, I’m a bit of a perv.

2) “Your beaver will need a big wet place to live.” Still a little innocuous, but it’s getting better.

3) “Your beaver is a lot like you- clean, polite and friendly.” My beaver and I are both boy scouts, apparently.

4)  “You’ll notice your beaver rests all day. And fools around all night. That’s nice. Because if you can’t get to sleep, you’ll have an instant playmate.”   OMG.    At this point, Pookie was literally ROFL.  And I don’t use the word literally figuratively.  The poor man was on the floor, rolling around, laughing.

5)  “Your pet loves exercise.  {redacted boring (not dirty) stuff} And it loves all water sports, especially “Submarine.” It was at this point that my head exploded, which only made Pookie laugh harder.

6)  “Your beaver is eager to make itself useful.  Cracking nuts…repairing fallen plaster…making mud pies…spanking naughty dolls…and shaping hamburgers for Dad.” I’m honestly not sure which imagery disturbs me more, but I think it might be the idea of my beaver shaping hamburgers for Dad.  That just sounds…unsanitary. I think the imagery Pookie might find most disturbing is the idea of my beaver cracking nuts.

Also, Spanking Naughty Dolls would be a good name for a rock band.

This book was published in 1980 and I happen to know that word ‘beaver’ was heavily in use as a synonym for, well…YOU KNOW.   Don’t make me say it for God’s sake. I’ve been talking about beavers this whole time and I don’t think I can say another filthy thing. (EAR SEX!)

Anyway, my point was that at some point, the author of this book must have known what it would sound like.

I’m willing to bet she giggled and snickered and snorted  her way through the whole book.

Just like me. And my pet beaver.

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13 Responses to “Next, I bet they change the sign to say ‘Pubic Library’”

  1. Kizz Says:

    That had to have been written by someone who was so bored writing children’s books that they decided to have a little fun and give a little fun to parents. Must have been the best writing experience EVER.

  2. grandma Patsy Says:

    OMG… I can see you reading to Little Man!
    Did it also explain that Beavers have big teeth and anyone under 18 that has not had Beaver education could get thier little fingers (or other parts of thier body)bitten?
    Love ya’ll, Mimi

  3. Mrs. Chili Says:

    Okay, so Mr. Chili’s father is a fine, upstanding (uptight) college professor who happens to own a house overlooking a river. At one point in the late 70’s, beavers (the animals, not the other things) were building dams in the river and were destroying trees and mucking up people’s yards. Dad saw a bumper sticker that said “save a tree, eat a beaver” and he PUT IT ON THE FAMILY CAR. My husband and his siblings were MORTIFIED. Dad was, of course, clueless (and still is to this day).

    Yikes.

  4. Grinningcomb Says:

    Oh!!! That is soooo funny. Thank you for sharing that I’m sitting at work grateful that my boss is gone already cause I’m laughing so much.

  5. Mandy Lou Says:

    I feel left out – this is the second blog post I’ve read about beavers today – and both of them were dirty! Now I gotta go get a towel, because I just spit diet coke all over the screen when I read “Cracking Nuts”.

  6. Chris Says:

    Beaver. Heh. Hi, I’m 12.

  7. magneto bold too Says:

    Yeah my beaver loves playing submarine too…

    Bwaaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaaaaaa

  8. buffi Says:

    That’s like something out of an SNL sketch. HILARIOUS!

    Also, I want Mr. Chili’s bumper sticker.

  9. How do you shave yours?... - Page 3 - PrisonOfficer.Org Forums Says:

    […] Posted by Bowfish What was it we were talking about, again? (By the way, did you know that if you search Google Images for "beaver" with […]

  10. Jody Benson Says:

    mute odinite trypeta chancer ununitably wedded smutch clunk
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  11. Musing Says:

    I’m looking forward to the sequel, Your Pet Snake.

    (found you thru bitchypoo)

  12. Andy(the little bro) Says:

    ought to be a short book


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