The ante has been upped

Remember the video with Sara Silverman and Matt Damon?

Well, apparently, it drove Jimmy Kimmel to the brink and, well, it ain’t pretty y’all.

Jimmy Kimmel is fucking Ben Affleck.

Also, I forgot to say it, but my little brother was such a little badass

I wanted to expound a bit on my ‘Worst Day post, as there were some interesting comments.

Mrs. Chili was surprised that I made dogs my life’s work after that.  Well, the fact is, I was completely infatuated with dogs. Hell, any animal really, but mostly dogs. I still feel that way today.  I will say though, that I am no fan of most arctic breeds (as Pookie said in the comments).  In my not so limited experience, you’re MUCH more likely to get chewed on by a Chow, Husky, Malamute, or even American Eskimo Dog than you are a Pit Bull or Rottweiler.  I will and have worked with these breeds countless times, though.  I just don’t necessarily enjoy the experience or find it relaxing.
Dan said that he doesn’t trust dogs and as much as he loves them, he’ll never have one as a pet.   I absolutely agree that if someone feels this way, they should not get a dog and just try to get over it.  If you don’t trust your dog, your dog can’t trust you and that makes for a bad situation.

Obviously the dog that attacked us was not to be trusted.   I didn’t have the skills to deal with a dog in that mindset.  I’ve aquired those skills in the years since then and my response to such an attack now would not be to stand there and do my best imitation of a Milkbone.   I wish I’d known better how to handle a situation like this so that I could have stopped the attack before he moved on to my little brother.  That was a lesson learned for me and my kids have been brought up handling dogs and would at the same age (I was 12) have handled the same circumstance much better than I did.   Pooter can drag the 120 lb Great Dane around and never suffer anything more tragic than a stomped on toe.   Because I raised both the dog and the kid to act right.

Kizz wanted to know whether it was worse being attacked or watching my little brother be attacked.   Well, I was actually surprised to find out that I had wounds because getting chewed up is pretty painless when it’s happening.  Between the sharpness of the dog’s teeth and the adrenaline, I didn’t really feel it.   Watching the dog attack Andy was much more horrifying because I could actually see the damage being done.

To be truthful though, the absolute worst part of the whole thing was sitting in the ER with Andy, waiting for an OR and trying to pretend like he didn’t look all that bad.  It was my first experience with not looking absolutely fucking terrified so I wouldn’t scare someone else.   It was more difficult than you might imagine.

All in all, I’m over it.   My little brother is over it; in fact, he lives with two big dumb dogs himself.   It was a really bad day, but we’re both still here and he’s not blind.   We’re good.  It’s all good.

He’s still a badass though.

My worst day

On a forum I belong to, someone started the topic “Your Worst Day”.

I realized as I was responding with mine that it wasn’t a story I’d told here before, so I’m posting it here too. Feel free to comment with your own worst day stories. I promise to listen and commiserate.

*******

Our neighbors dog (an Alaskan Malamute) had a habit of getting out of it’s kennel and running the road. My little brother (Andy) and I had a habit of bringing him back, as the neighbors were elderly and it was really their grand daughter’s dog that they were taking care of.

One day, as the dog was apparently approaching sexual maturity, it got out again. Well, we rounded up the dog again while another neighbor fixed the kennel. He gets it fixed and I tugged on the dog’s leach and clicked my tongue for him to follow me in and instead of doing that, he leapt up and started trying to eat my face off.

I’d had time to bring my arm up so he mostly chewed my arm up all to hell, with a few bites on the side of my head and forehead.

My little brother (who was truly little at the time, the dog was quite a bit taller than him while standing on it’s hind legs, which it was at the time), grabbed the dog from behind and the motherfucker twisted around on it’s hind legs and started biting Andy’s face. He had not had time to put his arm up.

The neighbor who had been fixing the fence picked up a two-by-four and started beating the shit out of the dog, and he dog back off.

This all took maybe 20-25 seconds.

The police were called, along with an ambulance. The dog ended up being shot and we were taken to the hospital.

We found out later that there were female dogs in heat in both adjoining yards. A solid argument for spaying and neutering your pets if I ever heard one.

My injuries were piddly when compared to my brother’s. I had puncture wounds up and down my arms and a few on my head, along with being scratched up from the dog scrambling for purchase so he could continue to eat my face.

My little brother had a wound that extended from one eyelid all the way across to the next, coming really close to being blinded in one or both eyes. He also had numerous deep puncture wounds in his scalp. He required fairly extensive plastic surgery.

My worst day. Even worse than the day my mother died, and that was a severely sucky day.

Happy VD. Also, Merry Syphilis.

Six years ago today, Pookie and I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony with most of the people we loved in attendance.

We took everyone out to eat, except for Baby Girl (who was busy driving the porcelain bus) and my little brother (who kindly offered to stay with her).

Afterwards, we sent all the kids off with various people. Yes, I sent my sick kid away so I could drink the wine, have the sex and conceive her little brother.   Any residual guilt I might have had from that vanished when I told her that we were having a boy and she ran crying to her room because I obviously manipulated things so that I could have a boy just to spite her wish for a baby sister.

It was also at this point that I thanked God for another boy, as the hormonal twelve year old girl thing was wearing me the fuck out.

Tonight, as I was sending Pooter off to bed, I asked Pookie if he could ever have imagined where we’d be this far down the road.

He told me that obviously he couldn’t have, because he married me anyway.

Then he laughed uproariously.

I’m the tiniest bit sincerely peeved with him right now (although, I will admit that hormones may be playing their little part here).

Since he is usually The Sweetest Man in the World, I’ll forgive him sooner rather than later, but if he wasn’t bigger than me and trained in the deadly art of Ass Kicking, I would so give him a wet willie right now.

Hmph.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

A little something

If you want to know how I flipped some of the text upside down in the last entry, ǝɹǝɥ oƃ.  

Today is the anniversary of the day Pookie and I started shacking up together.   Which only lasted 2 days, because we got married on Valentine’s Day.

The sad part is, we didn’t even get to ‘shack up’ while we were shacking up.   Baby Girl was sick as a dog with some heretofore unknown plague and really just wanted her Mommy, so she and I slept in the big comfy bed and Pookie slept in the recliner.  Poor sweet Pookie.

It’s cool though, we made up for it on our wedding night by getting knocked up but good.

By the way, this is what happens when you have one little glass of wine on your wedding night:

jdgoofypants.jpg

¿ǝʇɐɯ ‘ɟʇʍ

  ‘ʇǝuɹǝʇuı ɹɐǝp

˙pɹıǝʍ lǝǝɟ ı

I have something for all you Harry Potter fans out there.  This (genius!) guy did a parody of Plain White T’s Hey There Delilah.

It’s called Hey Harry Potter.  It is Teh Awesome.

The lyrics are posted underneath the video for those Potterheads who would like to sing along.


Hey Harry Potter
What’s it’s like to be an orphan
Who was raised under the stairs
But magically you started morphin
Me into
A dork whose read all about you
And Hogwarts too

Hey Harry Potter
It’s not fair to use a spell
To make a grown man read a child’s book
And purchase all your movies
Don’t you know
I camped at Barnes and Noble store
Wearing a robe

Oh it’s what you do to me
Even though I’m 33
I’m obsessed now can’t you see
Named my child Hermione
Even though it’s a he

Hey Harry Potter
Now my life is getting hard
Because my wife left me right
after I tattooed a lightning scar
Right on my head
And told her she looked like Hagrid
When she’s naked

Hey Harry Potter
I’ve got o so many questions
If I ever were to meet you
Like do you have good suggestions
For myself
On how to dress me like an elf
Or could you help

Oh it’s what you do to me
Put the sorting hat on me
Give me grotesque bertie beans
I’ll devour them with glee

I’ve got your posters on my door
And sweat shirts that say Gryffindor
Lost all my friends cause they all think I’m gay
I took my wand and grabbed a broom
and snuck into the ladies room
The invisibility cloak didn’t work that day
One lady slugged me with her purse
I said I was under the imperius curse
they did not believe me and the police came
And you’re to blame

Hey Harry Potter
Now I’m missing you and jonesing
Seven years and now you’re done with school
And Mrs. J.K. Rowling says you’re threw
But I’ll never be threw with you
I’ll do whate’re you tell me too
Stalk Daniel Radcliffe, yes it’s true
Rupert Grint, too

Oh it’s what you do to me
You, and Ron and Hermione
I’m pathetic can’t you see
But I wouldn’t change a thing
I’m down with Harry P.

She’s fucking Matt Damon

For your early Monday pleasure, I bring you a video that is not safe for work, children, little old ladies or puppies.

It is, however, funny as shit.

I hope it kickstarts your week.

(I realized as I published this that between my title and the little freeze frame thing on the video that it may look like someone will be having the sex. No one is having the sex in the video.  I promise.   But I still wouldn’t let the kids, dogs, grannies or bosses watch it, if I were you.)

Kizz from 117 Hudson sent this in an email:

Hello all you beautiful people,


I know that we only know each other on an inside-the-computer basis but I’m shameless enough that it’s not going to keep me from asking you a favor. Could I please borrow a cup of internet from you?

The thing is, I’m producing (and performing in) a theatre and music festival in Brooklyn on February 15 & 16. I’ll be premiering 2 works of my own, Jennica Carmona is performing the world premier of a short play about an immigration rights activist and we’ll get the second show ever (and first acoustic one) by a brand new band, the Reformationists. I’m plugging the show entirely via electronic media so I can use all the voices that I can gather and I would really appreciate it if you could join in. I am more than willing to return the favor if and when you need that. I know that we’re all spread far and wide but you never know who might be reading.

I’m pasting the press release in below because that’s the only way I can be sure that you’ve got all the info. If you want to check out my performing web sites you can go to www.ElizabethHRobinson.com or www.SusannaShakespeare.com and you can go here for pretty pictures of the participants:

Feel free to use the discount code KIZZ to get $5 off the regular ticket price and you can pass that along to your readership, too.
So if you live up Kizz’ way and this sounds like your kind of thing, get your ass in gear and buy a ticket.