Subject: WTF, Mate?
As you know, I live in a very small town with lots of cool small town traditions. One of them is Santa coming around on the fire truck and stopping to talk with each child. And the candy he hands out is also much appreciated.
This evening, as I was watching Oprah, I heard the unmistakable sound of the fire truck and police escort coming down our street. I ran to the front door and popped out while yelling at the kids that Santa was here.
They were barely past my house, driving at a top speed of 10 miles an hour. Santa and several helpers were hanging on to the outside of the fire truck. I did my patented attention getting whistle. The one where I stick my thumb and ring finger in my mouth and proceed to annoy everyone with a 3 block radius. I interspersed the whistles with a really dignified display of jumping up and down in my PJs and yelling.
They didn’t stop. They didn’t acknowledge me. They just kept going. They didn’t wave at me or anything so I don’t know if they saw me, but I don’t see how they didn’t.
Trust me, Santa, I’m hard to miss.
Now, obviously we don’t think that you were on that fire truck. We know how it works. We’re sophisticates. We understand that you’re busy getting everything ready at the North Pole and we know that our fire truck Santa is simply the police chief pretending to be you. He does a wonderful job, by the way. Good job picking him especially for the job.
If you had done anywhere nearly as well with the mall Santa, we wouldn’t be so sad about missing Santa tonight. Our fire tuck Santa never smells like booze and he doesn’t scare the kids.
Sadly, I will now be forced to take Pooter to see the mall Santa. Do you think you could put a big in his ear about possibly showering and spraying the suit with FeBreeze? I would really appreciate it.
Oh, and if you could dash off a nasty letter to fire truck Santa, asking him to stop fucking with the tradition? Do me a favor though, and keep my name out of it, would you? Last thing I need is a southern small town Chief of Police/Santa pissed off at me.
Thanks loads! TTFN!
Judy Garland singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. I bet fire truck Santa would have stopped for her.