I also have a few words for the Easter Bunny

To: OldStNick@yahoo.com

From: Verycontrary@gmail.com

Subject:  WTF, Mate?

Dear Santa,

As you know, I live in a very small town with lots of cool small town traditions.  One of them is Santa coming around on the fire truck and stopping to talk with each child.  And the candy he hands out is also much appreciated.

This evening, as I was watching Oprah, I heard the unmistakable sound of the fire truck and police escort coming down our street.  I ran to the front door and popped out while yelling at the kids that Santa was here.

They were barely past my house, driving at a top speed of 10 miles an hour. Santa and several helpers were hanging on to the outside of the fire truck.   I did my patented attention getting whistle.  The one where I stick my thumb and ring finger in my mouth and proceed to annoy everyone with a 3 block radius.  I interspersed the whistles with a really dignified display of jumping up and down in my PJs and yelling.

They didn’t stop.  They didn’t acknowledge me.   They just kept going.  They didn’t wave at me or anything  so I don’t know if they saw me, but I don’t see how they didn’t.

Trust me, Santa, I’m hard to miss.

Now, obviously we don’t think that you were on that fire truck.  We know how it works. We’re sophisticates.  We understand that you’re busy getting everything ready at the North Pole and we know that our fire truck Santa is simply the police chief pretending to be you. He does a wonderful job, by the way. Good job picking him especially for the job.

If you had done anywhere nearly as well with the mall Santa, we wouldn’t be so sad about missing Santa tonight.   Our fire tuck Santa never smells like booze and he doesn’t scare the kids.

Sadly, I will now be forced to take Pooter to see the mall Santa.  Do you think you could put a big in his ear about possibly showering and spraying the suit with FeBreeze?   I would really appreciate it.

Oh, and if you could dash off a nasty letter to fire truck Santa, asking him to stop fucking with the tradition?  Do me a favor though, and keep my name out of it, would you?  Last thing I need is a southern small town Chief of Police/Santa pissed off at me.

Thanks loads! TTFN!



Judy Garland singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.  I bet fire truck Santa would have stopped for her.

8 Responses to “I also have a few words for the Easter Bunny”

  1. Pookie Says:

    I was at work during this whole kerfluffle, but I did keep in touch by telephone for Santa Watch 2007: The Disappointment.

    It could have been worse:

    Contrary didn’t mention it, but not only is this a small town, Santa Chief actually lives on the cul-de-sac behind us, directly across the street from the neighbors who share our back fence. When I renew my federal firearms license every 3 years, I’m required to copy my local “Chief Law Enforcement Officer”. My cover letter starts out, “Hey Doug! When you wanna go shootin’?”

    Yeah. It’s a small town.

  2. Pookie Says:

    Is that Liza in the video? Whoever it is, she looks like she’s been slapped around and terrified. Maybe it’s because Judy starts out by showing her the FLYING MONKEYS, sure to terrify any child.

    Great song. Disturbing imagery. “TMI, TMI, TMI….”

  3. magneto bold too Says:

    Clearly he was dazed by the vision before him (you waving madly) and told them to keep driving lest he ravish you in front of the children.

    Or he is an asshat.

    With a gun.

    But it looks like Pookie’s got a gun (now that freaking song is going thru my head! arggghhhh!!) so next time he goes a shootin’ with good ol’ Doug make sure he puts a pellet in his fat arse….

  4. grandma Patsy Says:

    Ohooo,that good-ole Santa Chief don’t want to make a Mimi mad!How dare he miss the most important 5 year old in town,at least to me.He just needs to get back on that big ole fire truck and make another round.Pooky needs to tell him the next time they go shooting he’s going to take his wife, and we all know how that turns out!
    Hope the Mall Santa is in AA by now and has had his suit cleaned.
    Love ya’ll

  5. mrschili Says:

    I’m sorry – I’ve got nothing funny to add, except that Pookie’s cover letter should start out with “Hey Doug, wanna slow the Santa bit down a little? What the hell?!”

    And, you know, that’s not funny…

    Sorry, Pooter. Good luck with the mall Santa…

  6. Pat K Says:

    Here ya go.

  7. Emily Says:

    I cannot believe you have such a lovely tradition and it has not been cut due to budget constraints. I guess it is getting streamlined, though…

  8. Pookie Says:

    Emily, it hasn’t been cut, and there aren’t any particular budget constraints. We just didn’t know when they would be coming, and missed them.

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