Tonight, I was watching an episode of Inside the Actors Studio from 2005 featuring Elton John. He’s my favorite gay English singer (hey, the field is bigger than you think).
Six or seven years ago, when Pookie and I were just dating, my brother gave me a ticket to an Elton John concert. One. Of course, one is always better than none, but it meant that I was going by myself. I don’t like to go to the bathroom by myself (which is why I keep having children), much less a concert.
Added to my dislike of doing stuff by myself, I also had The Worst Cold Anyone Has Ever Had Since The Beginning Of Time. I’m not kidding. I was getting visits from dead relatives telling me that it wasn’t my time yet, but boy did I look like shit.
So I decide I am going to cowboy up. I had the ticket. I had the requisite admiration for the music of the artist. I had nothing else to do, except go home and die. So, I went.
This was an ‘intimate’ concert. Just Elton, his piano, and thousands of fans. My seat was fantastic. I was close enough to him to see the gap between his two front teeth. I was maybe 20 feet from him. I could see his fingers moving on the keyboard. My point here is that I could not have been more perfectly situated to enjoy the concert.
Well, along with The Worst Cold Anyone Has Ever Had Since The Beginning Of Time, I also had a Pretty Fucking Bad Cough. A cough that had spent three days aggressively pounding at my ribs and undermining the integrity of my bladder.
So, well before the halfway point of the concert, I had already dragged my ass all the way up through the arena and halfway around the building to go pee at least three times so that a coughing fit wouldn’t leave me regretting that I didn’t stop to pick up some Depends or at least a catheter on the way to the concert.
So. I left.
Because I was tired of being 4.2 miles away from the nearest loo.
I know. I’m a bad fan. Bad fan! No music for you!
I did stop on the way out to buy a t-shirt. And to pee. Again.
In honor of Sir Elton, here he is, singing Step Into Christmas. Someone must have pulled this video out of the WayBack machine.