So far, two of you have made the connection between Pooter calling me ‘hockey puck’ and Don Rickles. Here’s the thing. I don’t think he got it from Don Rickles. Not that Don Rickles isn’t (wasn’t?) a funny old bastard, it’s just that Pooter doesn’t spend a lot of time watching vintage comedy routines.
His tastes really run more to the comic stylings of a Spongebob or perhaps even a Suite Life with Zack and Cody. It’s not at all subtle. Of course, I don’t mean to suggest that Don Rickles is (was?) subtle. I think in the Subtle Olympics, he came in only ahead of Jerry lewis and Benny Hill. But he’s a different kind of not subtle. A snide, potty mouthed not subtle.
I always did like that old bastard.
Seriously, though. Is he dead yet? Hey, maybe he’s alive and he spends all his time Googling himself to see if he’s still relevant and he’ll stumble upon this and leave me a comment inviting me to go fuck myself. That would be awesome. That would be so awesome that I’m not even gonna check to see if he’s alive or not, so the delicious possibility of a verbal (so to speak)…(no pun intended) bitch slap stays alive in my heart.
In fact, just in case some other celebrities are out there Googling themselves:
To Johnny Depp: Three words, Dude. Wash. Your. Hair.
To Brad Pitt: Smug and pretty don’t mix well. You can’t do much about the pretty, so you might want to drop the smug.
To Bruce Willis: I loved the latest Die Hard movie. You can just keep on keeping on. Also, if Pookie and I had one of those lists (y’all know what list I’m talking about, right?), you’d be on it. You’d even make it to the laminated version. That’s how much I heart you and your fuzzy bald head. Yum!
To Demi Moore: Dumbass.
To Heidi Klum: What is up with your shitty bangs? Either trim ’em or sweep ’em to the side, because I spent the entire last episode of Project Runway blowing YOUR bangs out of MY eyes.
Anybody else have anything they’d like to say to any of these or other celebrities? Snark away, for the internet is yours!
Elvis Presley sings Here Comes Santa Claus: