Maybe that girl who kicked my ass in the third grade; she was a total bitch. And I think she was on steroids.

Do you come from a dysfunctional family? Did you come from a perfectly nice family but then married into a dysfunctional one? Are you constantly searching for the words to tell them what asshats they are?

Whatever the season, whatever the reason, The Dysfunctional Family Letter Generator is here for you.

Sadly for me, I don’t hate my in-laws, or my out-laws.

Still, in the interest of being prepared, I generated a letter. Now I just need someone I really don’t like to send it to. Maybe my ex-boss. He’s a right fuckhead.

Here’s my letter:

Dear Dumbass,

I just wanted to let you know that you have completely fucked up my life. If you had any balls you would be dangerous. I have had shock therapy to try to forget your existence because you have been busted one too many times. I have usually looked the other way, which makes me almost as dumb as you.

This time you have taken your psycho bitchiness to the next level.

I have never shirked my responsibility to tell you that you are the stupidest human being on the face of this planet. You would be so much better off if you would just lay off of the week long benders. You must be the product of inbreeding. You are a DUMBASS! It is time for you to look in the mirror (though I can see why you wouldn’t). Let this also serve as notice that all future visits have been cancelled as I have an appointment in HELL that I just can not get out of.

Go to hell you total psycho,

The Bitch

PS: Please do not reply back, we have gone back to bed. I need time to report your whereabouts to the repo man.

So go ahead. Write a letter. Giggle a little. (Oh, and tell me who you wanna send it to)

****

Today’s Christmas song is Bing Crosby singing White Christmas. It’s a clip from the movie Holiday Inn, in all it’s black and white gloriousness.

I ‘ll admit to being partial to older stuff, myself, but I’ll have plenty of modern stuff coming up, I promise. I’m lacking in the rap genre if anyone wants to check it out and see if Snoop Dogg has covered any Christmas songs. I personally think that ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ would make a great rap song.

Anyway, here’s the video. Enjoy it!

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8 Responses to “Maybe that girl who kicked my ass in the third grade; she was a total bitch. And I think she was on steroids.”

  1. Kitty Says:

    That is just what I need, that letter generator.
    Hilarious!

  2. mrschili Says:

    I’m going to generate a letter to the trolls who keep leaving stupid and unhelpful comments on my blog….

  3. mrschili Says:

    here it is:
    Dear Dumbass,

    I just wanted to let you know that you have completely fucked up my life. If you had half a brain you would be dangerous. I have had it up to here because you have criticized me one too many times. I have usually looked the other way, which makes me almost as dumb as you.

    This time you have taken your psycho bitchiness to the next level.

    I have never shirked my responsibility to tell you that you are definitely taking the wrong meds. You would be so much better off if you would just lay off of the self indulgence. You must be emotionally immature. You are a DUMBASS! It is time for you to look in the mirror (though I can see why you wouldn’t). Let this also serve as notice that all future visits have been cancelled as I have better things to do.

    Piss off you total psycho,

    ME

    PS: Please do not reply back, the subject is CLOSED. I need time to forget that you ever existed.

  4. Mandy Lou Says:

    I love Holiday Inn – the best holiday movie ever (well maybe A Charlie Brown Christmas too). Love the letter, but I write stuff like that in my head all the time!

    BTW – not sure if it’s on Youtube, but Mary J. Blige did a song called Christmas in the City thats sort of rap-y.

  5. bekah Says:

    I cannot believe you’re openly endorsing a song called “White Christmas”… how very racist of you! Someone needs to call Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and get this song banned. Or maybe they could change it to “snowy” Christmas, although that might offend those without snow. Then maybe a “cold” Christmas? But that might offend those in Australia who have summer during Christmas. Maybe just Christmas, but won’t that offend the Jews? That’s it. The new lyrics are “I’m… dreaming… of a …..” That’s it. That’s all you get.

  6. Emily Says:

    Hmmm. Already wrote a letter like that to my family. I think maybe I could have used that kind of help…

  7. Dana Says:

    My sister is swooping into town to tell me and my brother what rotten siblings we are. How she’s the one who loves our dad the most. The generator is just what we needed. 😉

  8. Buckshot Says:

    I would have prefered the cast version of White Christmas from the movie White Christmas with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye and Rosemary Clooney.

    Buckshot


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