The pie is in the oven. I repeat, the pie is in the oven. We are at defcon 4, people.
My very first apple pie is in the oven right now. We already know one thing about this pie. It will not be pretty.
It’s an ugly little pie, y’all. It’s a Charlie Brown pie. But I made it out of love for Pookie, so he is obligated by his love for me to eat it all and pronounce it delicious.
Poor bastard never even saw it coming.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I stole a meme from Robyn. Sure, it’s not as flashy as stealing an entire country from an indigenous people, but it was the best I could do.
It’s Thanksgiving Meme time!
1. How will you be spending your Thanksgiving this year?
With Pookie, Baby Girl, and Pooter, at home. Oh, and my brothers might show up. The dogs will be holding their annual contest to determine who can most look like a poor starving puppy. It’s always difficult as they have to keep pushing their fat rolls out of the way.
2. Will you be cooking or are you just an eater?
I’m cooking everything but the turkey. Ole Turkey Lurkey will be in Pookie’s capable hands.
3. Do you watch the parade every year or football?
I always watch the parade. Pooter and I have been jazzed up about it for days.
4. What’s your favorite float?
Duh. The last one. The one carrying Santa. I would say what a stupid question that was, but I’m pretty sure that Santa wouldn’t like that kind of talk.
5. Dark meat or white meat?
It really doesn’t matter, since it’s all gonna get mashed together with dressing and gravy.
6. Leg or breast?
No, I cannot eat a turkey leg. They look all sinewy. Like the turkey has been working out. It freaks me out.
7. What is your favorite dish besides the turkey?
Let me put it this way: If dressing and gravy were a controlled substance, I would be a dressing and gravy whore.
8. Homemade cranberry sauce or cranberry sauce from the can?
Neither. I mean no offense to those of you who like that crap, but I seriously wonder what the fuck is wrong with your taste buds. And for those who like their cranberry sauce from the can, I really, really, seriously wonder about the apparent disconnect between your eyes and your stomach. It’s food, shaped like a tin can. That ain’t right.
I don’t like food that has been shaped, even inadvertently, to resemble something else. Which is why I cannot even watch someone eat a McRib. They’re not ribs, people. They are God knows what shaped to look like ribs. I can’t even begin to express how horrifying I find that.
9. Do you decorate for Christmas on Thanksgiving day?
Here’s my schedule for Thanksgiving day: Wake up, watch parade while cooking, eat my weight in dressing and gravy, sleep, wake up, have some pie, have some more pie, have a few deviled eggs to top the old tank off, sleep. Do you see any room in there for decorating? Me either.
10. What are some special family traditions?
Parade. Turkey. Dressing. Gravy. Pie. Sleep. (It’s the circle of life, Simba)
11. Pumpkin pie or pecan?
Pumpkin. No. Pecan. No. Pumpkin. No. Wait. Pecan. Definitely Pecan. With butter and a piece of pumpkin pie on top. With Cool Whip holding it all together like some kind of culinary super glue. MAN, I love Thanksgiving!
12. What is your favorite thing to do with the leftovers?
I’m not sure exactly how many options there are for leftovers. I can only think of two choices: 1)Eat them cold and 2) Heat ’em up and then eat them. I will be doing both.
13. How long will you spend eating your thanksgiving meal?
About the same amount of time it takes a swarm of locusts to level a cornfield. We don’t play, y’all.
14. Are you worried about putting on weight this Thanksgiving?
Oh, my yes. I’m so worried about it that we’re only having 5 different dessert dishes. I’m obviously terrified to gain an ounce. Quick! Somebody bring me a piece of lettuce so I can fill up before dinner.
15. What do you normally eat at Thanksgiving?
Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Dumbass.
16. What will you be thankful for this Thanksgiving?
17. What is your best Thanksgiving memory?
The time my cousin Judy and her boyfriend at the time insisted on hosting Thanksgiving for the entire extended family, and then sneaked off to their bedroom to have (loud) sex approximately every half hour. My grandmother was quite confused, my aunts were horrified and pissed off and all us cousins thought it was hilarious. You’ll note that this question wasn’t, “What was your proudest Thanksgiving memory?”.
18. Do you give cards or presents at Thanksgiving?
I’ve never even heard of such a concept. Do people do this? I need answers y’all. Impromptu survey! Has anyone ever given or gotten a gift for Thanksgiving (and it doesn’t count if you brought a package of heat and serve rolls that one year your mother asked you to)?
19. Are you planning on going shopping the day after Thanksgiving?
If by ‘shopping’, you mean ‘standing with the fridge door open trying to decide which pie to try this time’, then yes, I will be shopping.
20. Will you be waking up early to hit the sales?
No need to. Everything in the ‘store’ is free. Just sitting there waiting for me to wake up and have dressing and gravy for breakfast.
Ok, the pie is out of the oven. We are back to Defcon 1. It actually doesn’t look that bad. Pie crust is forgiving, y’all. I’ll let you know how Pookie liked it. Or how he pretended to like it so as not to hurt my delicate fucking feelings.