Tryptophan- The gateway drug

Did y’all ever see that Monty Python sketch about the very fat man eating dinner out? I tried to find it on YouTube with no luck. Anyway, the fella gets incredibly full and tries to refuse an after dinner mint. For some reason, he ends up accpting it, eating it, and then… he exploded.

This is how I feel.

One more bite of sweet potatoes and I am going to die. It won’t be a dramatic drawn out death. It’ll be quick and relatively painless. And I’ll have a smile on my face.

After we ate, Pookie had to go to work, the poor guy. On the upside, he hasn’t had to take a bite of that apple pie yet.

After Pookie left, Pooter and I settled in to watch Flushed Away, courtesy of Netflix. After that, we watched Home Alone. It was the first time he’d ever seen it and we had the best time.

And then I passed out.

And then I came to and had some more sweet potatoes.

Actually, not only didn’t I pass out, I didn’t even have a nap. I decided if Pookie couldn’t have one, neither would I.

I love that man, but next time I’m taking a nap.

So how was your Thanksgiving? Good food? Good company? Anyone get bitch slapped?

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Happy Thanksgiving and pass the pie, Bitch

The pie is in the oven. I repeat, the pie is in the oven. We are at defcon 4, people.

My very first apple pie is in the oven right now. We already know one thing about this pie. It will not be pretty.

It’s an ugly little pie, y’all. It’s a Charlie Brown pie. But I made it out of love for Pookie, so he is obligated by his love for me to eat it all and pronounce it delicious.

Poor bastard never even saw it coming.

****

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I stole a meme from Robyn. Sure, it’s not as flashy as stealing an entire country from an indigenous people, but it was the best I could do.

It’s Thanksgiving Meme time!

1. How will you be spending your Thanksgiving this year?

With Pookie, Baby Girl, and Pooter, at home. Oh, and my brothers might show up. The dogs will be holding their annual contest to determine who can most look like a poor starving puppy. It’s always difficult as they have to keep pushing their fat rolls out of the way.

2. Will you be cooking or are you just an eater?

I’m cooking everything but the turkey. Ole Turkey Lurkey will be in Pookie’s capable hands.

3. Do you watch the parade every year or football?

I always watch the parade. Pooter and I have been jazzed up about it for days.

4. What’s your favorite float?

Duh. The last one. The one carrying Santa. I would say what a stupid question that was, but I’m pretty sure that Santa wouldn’t like that kind of talk.

5. Dark meat or white meat?

It really doesn’t matter, since it’s all gonna get mashed together with dressing and gravy.

6. Leg or breast?

No, I cannot eat a turkey leg. They look all sinewy. Like the turkey has been working out. It freaks me out.

7. What is your favorite dish besides the turkey?

Let me put it this way: If dressing and gravy were a controlled substance, I would be a dressing and gravy whore.
8. Homemade cranberry sauce or cranberry sauce from the can?

Neither. I mean no offense to those of you who like that crap, but I seriously wonder what the fuck is wrong with your taste buds. And for those who like their cranberry sauce from the can, I really, really, seriously wonder about the apparent disconnect between your eyes and your stomach. It’s food, shaped like a tin can. That ain’t right.

I don’t like food that has been shaped, even inadvertently, to resemble something else. Which is why I cannot even watch someone eat a McRib. They’re not ribs, people. They are God knows what shaped to look like ribs. I can’t even begin to express how horrifying I find that.

9. Do you decorate for Christmas on Thanksgiving day?

Here’s my schedule for Thanksgiving day: Wake up, watch parade while cooking, eat my weight in dressing and gravy, sleep, wake up, have some pie, have some more pie, have a few deviled eggs to top the old tank off, sleep. Do you see any room in there for decorating? Me either.

10. What are some special family traditions?

Parade. Turkey. Dressing. Gravy. Pie. Sleep. (It’s the circle of life, Simba)

11. Pumpkin pie or pecan?

Pumpkin. No. Pecan. No. Pumpkin. No. Wait. Pecan. Definitely Pecan. With butter and a piece of pumpkin pie on top. With Cool Whip holding it all together like some kind of culinary super glue. MAN, I love Thanksgiving!

12. What is your favorite thing to do with the leftovers?

I’m not sure exactly how many options there are for leftovers. I can only think of two choices: 1)Eat them cold and 2) Heat ’em up and then eat them. I will be doing both.

13. How long will you spend eating your thanksgiving meal?

About the same amount of time it takes a swarm of locusts to level a cornfield. We don’t play, y’all.

14. Are you worried about putting on weight this Thanksgiving?

Oh, my yes. I’m so worried about it that we’re only having 5 different dessert dishes. I’m obviously terrified to gain an ounce. Quick! Somebody bring me a piece of lettuce so I can fill up before dinner.

15. What do you normally eat at Thanksgiving?

Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Dumbass.

16. What will you be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Pie.
17. What is your best Thanksgiving memory?

The time my cousin Judy and her boyfriend at the time insisted on hosting Thanksgiving for the entire extended family, and then sneaked off to their bedroom to have (loud) sex approximately every half hour. My grandmother was quite confused, my aunts were horrified and pissed off and all us cousins thought it was hilarious. You’ll note that this question wasn’t, “What was your proudest Thanksgiving memory?”.

18. Do you give cards or presents at Thanksgiving?

I’ve never even heard of such a concept. Do people do this? I need answers y’all. Impromptu survey! Has anyone ever given or gotten a gift for Thanksgiving (and it doesn’t count if you brought a package of heat and serve rolls that one year your mother asked you to)?

19. Are you planning on going shopping the day after Thanksgiving?

If by ‘shopping’, you mean ‘standing with the fridge door open trying to decide which pie to try this time’, then yes, I will be shopping.

20. Will you be waking up early to hit the sales?

No need to. Everything in the ‘store’ is free. Just sitting there waiting for me to wake up and have dressing and gravy for breakfast.

****

Ok, the pie is out of the oven. We are back to Defcon 1. It actually doesn’t look that bad. Pie crust is forgiving, y’all. I’ll let you know how Pookie liked it. Or how he pretended to like it so as not to hurt my delicate fucking feelings.

I’m totally down with hot dogs and Chevrolet, though

The memes are stacking up here so I thought I’d go ahead and do one. Because I feel guilty when I get tagged and don’t do the meme. ANd the only thing that helps the guilt is pie. And I’m running low on pie.

The first meme I got was from Kate, so I’ll do hers first. Hopefully I’ll catch up with the other ones too. I have some really good questions from Mrs. Chili to answer and I definitely want to get to that soon.

Anyway, here’s the rules for this meme:

List one fact, word or tidbit that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your first or middle name. You can theme it to your blog or make it general. Then tag one person for each letter of your name.

I’ll be going with my first name, because it’s short. And I’m lazy. That is an awesome combo right there.

My first name is Mary, in case you didn’t know. If you have trouble remembering it, just think of Jesus’ mother. Or picture me polishing my halo. Whatever.

So here goes:

M– Myspace. I do actually have a profile. I made it so that I could keep an eye on the kids’ accounts, and I’ve jazzed it up a wee bit, but I mostly ignore it and I only have about 8 friends. If you have Myspace and would like to friend me, that would be great. I’d like to have more friends than my kids so I continue to claim that I am the coolest mom in the world.

A– Apple Pie. I’m going to make my very first homemade apple pie this Thanksgiving. I personally do not like apple pie (which causes Pookie to call me un-American every time it comes up), but Pookie loves it and I love him so I’m gonna give it a shot. Wish me luck. Wait. Wish Pookie luck. He’s the poor sucker that has to eat it.

R– Rack. I have a fairly impressive one (or two!). Now, I would normally never discuss my rack with y’all, but I asked Pookie for help with this letter and since he has a dirty mind (and a fairly spectacular obsession with my rack) this is what he came up with. I’m just glad I didn’t ask for his help with the letter ‘A’, or else we’d be talking about my ass right now. Which is also rather lovely, if I do say so myself. And I do.

Y– Yesterday. Yesterday I came down with the Herpes, aka Herbie the Love Bump (thanks Pat K.!). (Ok, wait. I am not thanking Pat for the herpes. He had nothing to with that. I’m pretty sure. I’m thanking him for naming the herpes.) Anyway, it’s not reeeally herpes. It’s a fever blister. Quit judging me!

I’m supposed to tag some folks now, but, because I am a chickenshit and do not play well with others, I’m just gonna throw that one out there and let whoever wants to do it, do it. I would appreciate a head’s up in the comments if you decide to do it so I can make sure to check out what you have to say, though.

Got Penicillin?

Well, my ear is feeling marginally better but now I have the Herpes.

Ok, so it’s a fever blister (on my lower lip) and I won’t be appearing in any herpes medicine commercials telling the world how I have herpes and Pookie doesn’t and how we want to keep it that way. Does anyone else want to have a shower after they watch one of those?

But seriously, y’all, this sucker is huge. I was thinking about naming it. What do you think about the name Bumpy? I think it’s kinda catchy. And if this thing gets any bigger, I’m gonna be legally obligated to feed and clothe it, so it should have a name.

Luckily, I’m married to Pookie, who is The World’s Smartest Man (or at least The World’s Smarter Than Me Man) and he went and got me some Anbesol for Bumpy, so at least it doesn’t feel like my lip is going to fall off anymore. Sure, it’s still looks like it, but there’s not a whole lot I can do about that, except maybe keep one of those little geisha fans on hand at all times, and that’s not really practical.

I actually seriously thought about posting a picture for y’all, but let’s face it, it wouldn’t really be for y’all. It would be for me and my sick need to get attention for all my various boo-boos. I’m pretty sure I have Munchausen’s By Proxy. Except without that whole ‘by proxy’ thing.

Ok, so Munchausen’s would mean I was actually causing my boo-boos and except for when I shot myself in the head, there’s no way I can be held responsible for the crap that happens to me.

Remember when I came down with chicken pox last year? On the morning we were leaving New Hampshire to drive home? For three days? On leather seats? In summer? No way that’s my fault, right?

Likewise, I can’t possibly be held responsible for my latest rash of bad luck (pun totally intended).

I still think I have it in for myself, though.

On the bright side, the diminished hearing from the ear infection will probably come in handy when I’m shopping tomorrow and can’t hear the horrified gasps whenever someone sees Bumpy.

Hopefully tomorrow, I’ll have something else to talk about and this won’t turn into Herpes Watch 2007. Although, if it does, maybe I can make a herpes tracker with little graphs and shit. Maybe get some man on the street interviews or something.

Better than the Bates Motel, for damn sure

As a mark of just how foggy I am, when we were driving the 2 hours to my mother-in-law’s house, I could not stop thinking about what a cool name The Dew Drop Inn is for a motel.

It’s Dew Drop, like a drop of dew.

But it also means Do Drop.

And then you add Inn to it and you have, essentially, Do Drop In.

Devastating in its subtlety.

Dew Drop Inn. Do Drop In.

At no time did we pass any motels named The Dew Drop Inn.  I have no idea where the hell it came from.

Awesome.

My ear hurts.

But the rest of me feels pretty fucking good.

Now I know why Van Gogh cut off his ear

 vincent.jpg

I feel like crap rolled in dough, fried in peanut oil and served with ice cream.   The whole left side of my head hurts because my ear gots a boo-boo.   Send chocolate and Ny-Quil.

Hopefully, I’ll be feeling better tomorrow and will be able to start wading through some of these memes I’ve been tagged for.  Because I know how badly you all want me to get back to talking about me.

We’re going to my mother-in-law’s house today to celebrate Thanksgiving, since Pookie will be work on the day itself.  So I am going to cram my gullet full of turkey and all the dressing almost a WEEK early, while the rest of you have to wait.   Then, I get to have it again, on Thursday.

Really, except for my left ear falling off my head, life is pretty fucking good.

So, anyway, since I’m feeling all puny, and not even a little funny, I’m gonna post this bit that Pookie sent me a while back.   Please to enjoy it  And think of me later on when I’m trying to decide between pecan or coconut creme pie.   Oh, the humanity!



A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard
walks past, looks up the tree, and yells, “Hey koala, what are you
doing?”

“Smoking a joint,” says the Koala. “Come on up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the koala, and
they smoke a few joints.

After a while, the little lizard gets cotton mouth and says he is
going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned he leans too far over and falls
out of the tree and into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the
bank. “What’s the matter with you?” he asks the little lizard.

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was smoking
joints in the gumtree with the koala and he got so stoned that he
fell into the river while he was trying to get a drink of water.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the
rainforest, finds the gumtree where the koala is finishing the joint,
and he looks up and says, “Hey you!”

And the koala looks down at him and says…

“Fuuuuuuuck dude, how much water did you drink???”

I’m pretty sure you can go blind from watching YouTube, but at least you won’t grow hair on your palms, like some other forms of self-gratification

 It’s Saturday, November 17, and we’re more than halfway through NaBloPoMo.   How is everyone doing?   Having fun?  Can’t wait till it’s over?  Gave up days ago?

Personally, I’m still having a great time.   Thankfully, when I get stuck for something to say, someone, somewhere  in the world, does something stupid and all of a sudden I have blog fodder!   It’s like, fate, dude.

Ok, on to it, then. I have two little offerings for y’all.

First off, I’ve no idea if this photo is real. I don’t particularly care, because I like it. It makes me smile.

How God says good morning:

god-says-hello.jpg

Secondly, I was browsing YouTube (as you do) and ran across one with Rock Hudson and Bea Arthur singing about drug use. I obviously had to post it: