That rat bastard Beelzebub made me do it

When I was a kid and got busted doing something bad, I was pretty good at giving such a good reason for doing whatever I’d done that  most of the time, I got away with it completely.

As an example: One time, when I skipped school and hung out at my friend Jan’s house all day, smoking the dope; her mom came home early.  Busted me in Jan’s closet.  Big time.  (Hint: Do not hide in closets. Suspicious parents look there.)

She took me home and told my mother what had happened.  My mother thanked her, said goodbye, and turned around to face me so she could look me in the eye when she killed me.  I proceeded to burst into tears and tell her that I had started my period at school that day and hadn’t been prepared and had had an accident and Jan had brought me to her house so I could change because I was totally freaking out.

This was all a dirty dirty lie.

However, my mother, as predicted by me, the evil genuis, immediately hearkened back to her own days of being 14 and that kind of thing happening and the ensuing mortification, and felt a rush of sympathy for me.

She dried my (fake-ass) tears and told me to go get in the tub. Then she got me settled on the couch with a heating pad and a cup of tea.

She babied me the rest of the day and even offered to let me stay home the next day too.  I, of course, declined this kind offer as staying home would prevent me from hanging out at someone else’s house and smoking the dope.

So, to summarize, I was a lying, pot smoking, manipulative little shit.

But at least I could tell a good, believable story and keep it all straight.

Which makes me feel almost bad for this guy, who couldn’t lie his way out of a wet paper bag.

He has recently resigned his position as Mayor of Centerton, AR, when it was revealed that he had been living under a false identity for the past thirty years.   From the article:

“(He) told reporters this week he had once been a preacher in New York.

Then, the mayor continued, he’d been kidnapped by Satanists, found by his family, been found by Satanists again, the Satanists threatened his wife and two daughters, the mayor feared for his family’s safety, rode off into the sunset on a bicycle, traveled the country, traveled the world, and finally settled in Centerton.

Last week, in a nutshell — the operative word being nut — Centerton’s Mayor Pick A. Kname admitted to living a double life. (A single life in Centerton is bad enough. A double life is twice as bad.)

Mayor Whoever told reporters that the Satanists had hooked an “electric” machine to his head, erased his memory, brain-washed him into believing he was somebody else and he only regained bits and pieces of his memory after a doctor had shot him full of “truth serum.”

There’s much more and you should go read it, because it’s quite funny and snarky.

However, back to the reason I told that story on myself in the beginning.  I have some advice for The Right Honorable What’s His Face:

Learn how to lie.  It’s obvious you have a certain level of skill with deception, but that’s not the same thing.

The reason no one believes you is not just because it’s so obviously a lie, it’s because it’s such a BAD lie.  It’s like the lie a 4 year old tells when someone asks him who broke the lamp: ” Um. It was Frosty the snowman.  He was afraid the heat from the lamp would melt him and so he did it in order to save his own life. Poor Frosty.”

You would have done better to say that a one-armed man had killed your wife and you’d spent all this time looking for him in order to clear your name.    Seriously.

So who else wants to dress up like a satan worshipper and go scare the shit out of this guy?   I’ll buy lunch!


8 Responses to “That rat bastard Beelzebub made me do it”

  1. Pookie Says:

    I’m happy to be from Arkansas.

    I can’t wait until I’m much farther from Arkansas.

  2. mrschili Says:

    Sheesh. Ya’ll down there are crazy.

    I am a terrible liar. Terrible. I don’t know whether this is a virtue or a shortcoming, though; there are times when that skill would come in mighty handy…

  3. Emily Says:

    Oh, being one of the least convincing liars on the planet, I have some sympathy for the guy. Of course, I am smart enough not to lie, knowing full-well I never fool a soul.

  4. bekah Says:

    I’m down with dressing up and going after him. If I can bring my video camera, of course, that shit’ll be a hit on YouTube.

  5. Pat K Says:

    And then I was kidnapped by Satan worshipers………
    “Yeah thats the ticket,”

  6. Kizz Says:

    I cannot stand people who cannot lie passably when it’s called for. I know that sounds evil but it’s a skill and if you’re going to lie, and you are, we all do (do I look fat in these jeans? what exactly are you going to say to me about that?) then do it well. Mostly I use my powers for good now but it is a power and it is useful and I hate to see it fucked up.

  7. Mandy Lou Says:

    That is excellent! But you’re right, if the dude could learn to lie he wouldn’t be in this spot! If only he had your skills.

  8. kim Says:

    hehehehe So what’s for lunch then? mmm and what does a satanist look like???

    cheers Kim

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