Headlines

Santas warned ‘ho ho ho’ offensive to women

I contend that the only women who would be offended by this would be particularly sensitive crack whores. And maybe gardeners.

Oh, and also, the elves have asked that people stop calling them ‘those funny looking little fuckers’.

Dinosaur found with vacuum cleaner mouth

They plan to call it the Dysoncephelus. In related news, a dinosaur has been discovered that will do light housekeeping, but refuses to do windows.

‘Mr. Toilet’ nears completion of commode-shaped house

I hear the place is a real shit hole.

Jones Soda promises ham, tree, doughnut flavored beverages

If I happen to drink any ham or doughnuts, I can promise a vomit flavored beverage in return.

Homeless man uses church phone to call sex hotline

Ask and ye shall receive, my brother.

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6 Responses to “Headlines”

  1. Emily Says:

    I am really glad I found this blog. You’re quite funny.

  2. magneto bold too Says:

    *snort* love it babe. You are getting phunnier every day!

    I have made myself a tee shirt for christmas with 3 hookers on it. Ho Ho HO!!! Should go down well at the office Christmas party… or the school concert.

  3. mrschili Says:

    HAHAHAHA!

    I JUST listened to the “vacuum dinosaur” story on NPR, and Beanie and I came home to look the sucker up online. I don’t think it looks much like a vacuum cleaner, but maybe paleontologists have different ideas about such things than I do…

  4. Organic Mama Says:

    I am snortling happily as I grade shitty exams.
    Thank you for the laughs!

  5. bekah Says:

    The last one actually made me check to make sure it wasn’t my church… we had a homeless guy spend the night in our church the other night because someone failed to lock up… it’s never a good thing when you find a naked drunk guy on a pew, with his clothes behind the altar. Totally wouldn’t surprise me if he had called a sex line while he was here.

  6. Pat K Says:

    Ya missed this one.

    ‘Cycle-sexualist’ gets probation

    AYR, Scotland, Nov. 15 (UPI) — A Scottish man caught in a compromising position with his bicycle received three years probation with a threat of prison time if he re-offends.

    The 51-year-old man was nude from the waist down in a hotel room when he was caught by hotel workers simulating sex on the bike, the Daily Telegraph reported.

    During a hearing last month, Robert Stewart was listed as a sex offender after admitting a sexual breach of the peace, the British newspaper said. He wound up in Ayr sheriff court on Scotland’s west coast.

    “In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me,” Sheriff Colin Miller said. “I have never heard of a ‘cycle-sexualist.’ ”

    Stewart’s attorney said his client, battling an alcohol problem, thought “he was having fun” when the maids entered the room.

    “He does not think it is funny any more,” attorney Gerry Tierney said.


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