Santas warned ‘ho ho ho’ offensive to women

I contend that the only women who would be offended by this would be particularly sensitive crack whores. And maybe gardeners.

Oh, and also, the elves have asked that people stop calling them ‘those funny looking little fuckers’.

Dinosaur found with vacuum cleaner mouth

They plan to call it the Dysoncephelus. In related news, a dinosaur has been discovered that will do light housekeeping, but refuses to do windows.

‘Mr. Toilet’ nears completion of commode-shaped house

I hear the place is a real shit hole.

Jones Soda promises ham, tree, doughnut flavored beverages

If I happen to drink any ham or doughnuts, I can promise a vomit flavored beverage in return.

Homeless man uses church phone to call sex hotline

Ask and ye shall receive, my brother.