I’m still at $415.60. What can I say? It’s been a slow year.

Here’s another thing I did awhile ago, but I lost all the comments for it when I made the move to WordPress.  And the comments were the very best part!   The internet at large is much funnier than I am.  But y’all already knew that.  So I would love it if everyone participated, even those of you who already did it once.

How it works is, you look at the list below, make a note of the ‘fines’ for each ‘infraction’ and tally up how much you would have to pay if it was real. You don’t count per incident, which is fortunate, because I’d have carpal tunnel from counting on my fingers by now.

When I did this last time, Pookie called me from work (where he usually reads my posts) and said, ‘You just scared the shit out of me! I thought this was a list of shit you’d actually done and all I could think was, ‘Had sex in church? Had sex for money?!’ Myspace?? Myspace hasn’t even been around that long!.”

Then, after I finished snickering like Mr. Magoo, he asked if I had had sex in a pool and I had to tell him that I wasn’t going to go through the entire list with him. Because there has to be some mystery in a relationship.

So before you read further the list below is most assuredly not a list of shit I have done. Well, some of it, anyway.  

Here’s the list of infractions and fines:

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

My total fine is $415.60. From that amount, if you’ve been paying attention, you can at least infer that I have kissed a stranger AND peed in a pool. I’m not telling you fuckers any more specifics. I have my pride, you know. (except, if you could see my list, you’d know the pride thing is bullshit)

If you’re so inclined, I’d love to see some amounts in the comments. Just think, it’s just like confessing, only not as bad because no one will really know the shit you pulled.

Unless, you know, you kissed a stranger or peed in the pool.