Dear Boston Red Sox,
First of all, congratulations on your World Series victory. You’ve truly overcome the curse of the Babe. Two series wins in 4 years is Teh Awesome. You have my admiration. I also love that you did it again without that squirrelly fuck Johnny Damon, who left you to go play for the Spankees.
I plan to become a full-time dedicated Red Sox fan when we move to New Hampshire in a few years, and I promise to be as fervent and rabid as any fan you ever had.
However, it would be lovely if y’all could just stop sucking up all the ‘We haven’t won in a hundred years and it’s our turn” karma, already.
I really feel it’s important that the Cubs at least make it to the Series (and of course, my preference would be that they take the whole thing) before I become your full time fan. As you may already know, it is impossible for a Cubs fan to give up on them. Oh, sure, we’ll get frustrated and throw our hands in the air and swear to God that we’ll never get sucked in again. But then next season rolls around and we manage to find this tiny shriveled-up kernel of hope and then we’re off and running again.
Now, I realize that you and the Cubs aren’t even in the same division, so I am not asking you to help them, per se. I’m just saying that if you could put it out there in the universe that you’re good to go on Series wins for the moment and you think it would be good for the Cubs to get it , that would be great.
Oh, and if you should both make it to the series at the same time in the next few years, I want you to know something. I hope they kick the everloving shit out of you.
After that, though, I’m all yours.