Worried about your daughter wasting her teenage years with school and the mall? Well, I have found the answer! It’s called Marry Our Daughter and it’s the newest thing for selling your kid into legalized prostitution!
Conversely, if you’re a guy and you’re old and you smell funny but you have some cash stashed away, you can marry the child bride of your dreams. As an added bonus, you’ll finally get to go to the prom. In a few years. When your wife is a junior in high school. You lucky bastard.
This bit is from their testimonials page. I’m telling you, these stories will warm the cockles of your heart.
“Thank God for your site! Our daughter was really nervous walking down the aisle, but she seems okay now and the money we got let us keep our farm and even add on a few acres.” —Mrs. Addrien L.
“At first we were worried that Janine was too young to get married, but then her new husband bought her a house and a car and jewelry and the money we got let us buy a house for ourselves. Getting out of the trailer park at our age was the best thing that ever happened to us, and it’s all thanks to Marry Our Daughter!”
—Mr. Jack M.
“I was SO scared getting married so young, but my husband is an okay guy and I am SO proud that because of me my parents were able to get their first brand-new car and take the trip they always wanted to. I couldn’t have done it without your site!”
—Katrina K., married at 14
“Our 15 year old daughter Mary wasn’t very popular and did nothing but mope around the house bringing everybody down, so we decided to marry her off through your site. Now our house is a lot cheerier and we love our new swimming pool and Jaccuzi! We’ve told our youngest that when she turns 15 we’re going to marry her off too!”
—Mrs. James P.
“My mother thought I was getting ‘too frisky” and that I had to get married right away before I lost my purity to some high school boy. Marry Our Daughter found me a husband and my parents were able to keep their house and pay off my mother’s medical bills. I was so glad I could help them, and being married at my age (I’m 16 now) has a lot of advantages, like my own credit card!”
Heartwarming, right? Ok, I have to go now. I’m busy composing my daughter’s profile. I thought I’d do it in a poem. Sort of make her stand out from the rest, ya know? Anyone know a good rhyme for ‘Get used to hanging out at the mall’?