About me

Ok, folkses, I need your help. For some reason, I’ve been getting a lot of views at my About Me section and to be brutally honest, as it stands, it’s a piece of bloggery crap. I wrote it in about 30 seconds and then moved on to something more fun than describing myself, like poking my eyes out or something.  There’s no way that anyone reading it is then wants to move on to the rest of the blog.  Trust me.

Here is my ‘About Me’:Hi, I’m Contrary. It’s not just a name, it’s an attitude. I live in Texas with my husband Pookie, and our kids. I don’t have one of those ‘100 things’ dealie bobs, so if there’s something you want to know, e-mail me at verycontrary(at)gmail(dot)com.

Pathetic, right?  It’s ok, I know.

So anyway, I was hoping you all could help me out.  I think I’d like to make it more like a review section.  Where y’all say stuff about me or this blog. Like:  ‘She seems nice enough but she sure says ‘fuck’ a lot.’   Or: ‘She has an unnatural fascination with Chuck Norris, but otherwise seems quite normal.’    That kind of thing.

So, if you’re interested in helping a bitch out, just leave whatever you’d like to say in the comments (or, of course, you can e-mail me) and I will post them, verbatim, in my about me section.   I will post anything you say, so this is your chance to call me bad names and get away with it!

Even if you wouldn’t normally comment (family members, I’m looking at you here), you should really take advantage of the opportunity to badmouth me (or goodmouth me, even. I’m not intrinsically opposed to compliments).

I’m counting on y’all.  (you’ll have to visualize the sad begging look here.)

Some random, yet completely true facts about Chuck Norris

  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”
  • The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.
  • He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
  • Lightning never strikes twice in the same place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
  • Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
  • Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

For more random Chuck Norris facts, go here. You know you want to. Don’t make me call Chuck.

Oh, and also. This is what you get when you try to Google Chuck Norris.

Laughing at someone else’s pain never felt so good

Have y’all seen the Youtube video featuring a disturbed (and disturbing!) young man named Chris Crocker? He’s VERY upset at the media’s treatment of Britney Spears and he wants to tell us all about it.
Video:

Leave Britney alone!!

Now we have another video, this one featuring Seth Green (Oz from Buffy) asking us to leave Chris Crocker alone. While Chris’ video is undeniably hilarious (don’t cry, Emo Kid), Seth has him beat. I think I’m in love with that little red headed sumbitch.

Video:

Funniest line:  And I am tough to go through  cause I’m tangible!!

Next I’m going to see what I can get for my nail clippings

bras.jpgI’m having a garage sale today and have raked in medium to big bucks, which is lovely as Patsy is visiting this weekend (!) and now I can afford to wine and dine her a little.

But you haven’t lived until you’ve seen women wrestle over your old bras. I wish I was kidding. I also wish I had video to show y’all.

Cheaper than college, more profitable than the nunnery

Worried about your daughter wasting her teenage years with school and the mall? Well, I have found the answer! It’s called Marry Our Daughter and it’s the newest thing for selling your kid into legalized prostitution!

Conversely, if you’re a guy and you’re old and you smell funny but you have some cash stashed away, you can marry the child bride of your dreams. As an added bonus, you’ll finally get to go to the prom. In a few years. When your wife is a junior in high school.  You lucky bastard.

This bit is from their testimonials page. I’m telling you, these stories will warm the cockles of your heart.
“Thank God for your site! Our daughter was really nervous walking down the aisle, but she seems okay now and the money we got let us keep our farm and even add on a few acres.” —Mrs. Addrien L.

“At first we were worried that Janine was too young to get married, but then her new husband bought her a house and a car and jewelry and the money we got let us buy a house for ourselves. Getting out of the trailer park at our age was the best thing that ever happened to us, and it’s all thanks to Marry Our Daughter!”

—Mr. Jack M.

“I was SO scared getting married so young, but my husband is an okay guy and I am SO proud that because of me my parents were able to get their first brand-new car and take the trip they always wanted to. I couldn’t have done it without your site!”

—Katrina K., married at 14

“Our 15 year old daughter Mary wasn’t very popular and did nothing but mope around the house bringing everybody down, so we decided to marry her off through your site. Now our house is a lot cheerier and we love our new swimming pool and Jaccuzi! We’ve told our youngest that when she turns 15 we’re going to marry her off too!”

—Mrs. James P.

“My mother thought I was getting ‘too frisky” and that I had to get married right away before I lost my purity to some high school boy. Marry Our Daughter found me a husband and my parents were able to keep their house and pay off my mother’s medical bills. I was so glad I could help them, and being married at my age (I’m 16 now) has a lot of advantages, like my own credit card!”

—Nancy A.

Heartwarming, right?   Ok, I have to go now. I’m busy composing my daughter’s profile.  I thought I’d do it in a poem. Sort of make her stand out from the rest, ya know?    Anyone know a good rhyme for ‘Get used to hanging out at the mall’?