Next I’m going on The View, if only so I can duct tape Rosie’s pie hole shut

There’s a cool new meme goin’ round the old internet. Basically, someone (Fauve) will interview me here at my place, just like someone else interviewed her at her blog. Then, if anyone is interested, I will interview them at their blog. They will, in turn, interview someone else at their blog. Simple, really. Let’s see how badly I can fuck it up, shall we?

F: Howdy, Contrary! How’s it hanging?

C: Low, my friend. Low.

F: Alrighty then! Let’s get started. First Question: Do you have a living will? Why or why not?

C: That’s a great question! You’re really very good at this. I can tell.

F: Oh, stop.

C: Well, it’s true! Ok, so. No I do not have a living will. I should. The reason I don’t is a combination of laziness and not wanting to acknowledge my own mortality. For the record, Pookie knows my feelings on the subject. They are as follows: If I should for any reason, lapse into a coma or vegetative state, do not NOT pull the plug. Keep whatever is keeping my ass alive going. I don’t give one little shit about the expense, and as for my family, they better all come see me every day and rub my ashy elbows with some good lotion.

F: Well. That’s a little selfish, don’t you think?

C: Yeah, well. I think I’ll be entitled to be selfish what with the breathing tubes and bed sores, don’t you?

F: Um. Ok. Anyway! Next Question: What things give you the greatest satisfaction?

C: The people I love. Which, I know, they’re not ‘things’, per se, but they give me great satisfaction. Also, books, this blog, my work, food. I’m sure there’s more, but if I get too introspective, I’m liable to get all weepy and wax poetic about how Pooter’s hair smells right after a wash.

F: Awww. That’s kinda sweet, though.

C: Yeah, I’m a sweetheart. Ask anyone. Next!

F: Oh. Okay. Here we go: If you were on a desert island , what three books would you want to have with you?

C: Easy. The first one would be a phone book so I could call someone to come pick me the fuck up. HaHaHaHa!

F: (glare)

C: Ok, ok. Geez. Ok, so three books. First would be the bible, because I’ve never read it all the way through. Because I am a heathen, and also? That bad boy is huge! Second would be the complete works of Mark Twain. Third, a book on how to survive and aid in your own rescue from a desert island, duh.

F: Ooh, that’s a good one!

C: Yeah, well. I’m smarter than the average bear.

F: Indeed. Ok, next question: If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

C: I’m not sure if you mean what would I change about my present circumstances or what would I change in the past, if I could, so I’ll answer it both ways. What I would like to change about now is that I would like to be geographically closer to our three older boys. My oldest is in California and Pookie’s two oldest live almost 3 hours away. One distance much greater than the other, but both of them are still much too far for me.

If I were to change one thing about the past, I would have done everything I could to go to college. Yes, it would have been very difficult and time consuming and I might not have gotten to spend as much time with my children, but I would have been more fulfilled and more capable of earning a decent living and more of an example to my kids.

F: Did I ever tell you you’re my hero?

C: Quit it.

F: Hee! Ok, ok. Last question! If you were granted three wishes, what would you wish for?

C: Oh, crap. ok. Let’s see. Um. World Peace? All the money I or my descendants could ever spend? The latest Girls Gone Wild video? A pet tiger? Ooh. or a monkey! Wait, I’m afraid of monkeys. No monkeys.

Ya know, it doesn’t matter how many wishes I had. All I could ever want is good health for me and mine, a peaceful world for us to live in and to never worry about finances again. But I would take effortless weight loss, if I can’t get the other stuff.

F: Annnd, we’re done! This is the most fun I’ve ever had. Bar none. Dude, you’re just awesome.

C: (blushes becomingly) Likewise, I’m sure.

Ok, now here’s where I admit that Fauve simply sent me five question in an e-mail and then I embellished mightily. Not the questions themselves, of course, but, yeah, everything else Fauve said. Like y’all hadn’t already figured that out, I know.

So, anyway, if you would like me to interview you, just leave a comment saying so. Even if you don’t want me to interview you, you should leave a comment. Show the love, fuckers!

If you would like to participate, here are the deets (that’s slang for details. Am cool) :
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else
in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five