And the winner is…

trophy.jpgWell, it’s officially the end of the week and we have a winner for the Get Me Out of Jury Duty contest.   It is, as very astutely predicted by Fishie, this comment by Fauve:

“Walk in and say, ‘I once shot myself in the head. Do you really want me making a decision in here?’ ” 

Now, beyond the fact that Fauvie is making fun of the poor retarded girl who shot herself in the head, that is some funny shit right there.   I about peed myself reading it and Pookie had to call me, laughing, to tell me “Fauve wins!”.

I thought the suggestion left by On the Ponderosa  was awesome (Breast Feeding, will work every time. Let them dare to question you.) , only, my youngest is 4 and even if I could bring myself to pretend to nurse a small hobo large toddler, I’d have to have his cooperation. Four year olds are not known for their cooperative spirit.   Yeah, so.  That was out.  Damn good suggestion, though!

The fact is, they were all good and proof yet again that only the smartest, funniest people visit this blog.

However, Fauve is the only one who gets the Starbucks $5.00 gift card!   Yay, Fauve!

You put the ‘awe’ in awesome, Dude.

Now, from the ‘Yep, it turns out they were shitting me’ file:  Turns out the story from yesterdays post was a hoax.  I don’t feel too bad about falling for it since, well, I’m not very smart ( in case you missed it, I am the girl who shot herself in the head. Not exactly proof of great intelligence there), but I would like to apologize to all the theoretical Japanese people I might have hurt or pissed off with my absolute belief that a large number of you were stupid enough to fall for such a scam.   I say theoretical because I don’t believe any actual  people from Japan are reading this blog.  But if you’re out there, I’m sorry. I mean, I’m sorry even if you’re not out there too.  My being sorry is not conditional on you reading this blog.  Also, I’ll shut up now.


From the You Gotta Be Shitting Me file

Thousands of Japanese have been swindled in a scam in which they were sold Australian and British sheep and told they were poodles.

Some highlights from the article (Highlights which or may not have made me piss my pants a little.):

“The scam was uncovered when Japanese moviestar Maiko Kawamaki went on a talk-show and wondered why her new pet would not bark or eat dog food.”

HAHAHAHAHA! (ahem. sorry.)

” One couple said they became suspicious when they took their “dog” to have its claws trimmed and were told it had hooves.”

OMG. I wonder if the poor groomer had to paint its hooves and put bows in its ears.

Y’all, they were charging $1600.00 apiece for the sheeples, and these poor people thought they were getting a bargain because the going rate for a poodle in Japan is twice that amount.

Please don’t let my use of the word ”poor” in the previous sentence fool you into thinking I feel sorry for these people. If you’re willing to hand over that much money for something and haven’t gone to the trouble of doing enough research to be able to tell a sheep from a fucking poodle, you deserve what you get.

In other news, I won’t be around much for the next few months. I’ll be doing some traveling. Gonna make a quick run through Scotland to pick up some..uh..wool (wink) and then it’s off to sunny Japan!

I call Bullshit

I am reading this week’s People Magazine (because I believe in keeping up with the news, y’all) and one little part asks celebrities what book they are currently reading to their kids.

Here is Sarah Jessica Parker’s response:

She is reading For Every Child, a Better World (a United Nations publication).

” It’s the cold hard facts [about world poverty]. We’ve read it every night for weeks, and he still asks, ‘Why don’t those children have what they need?’ ”  says Parker about son James Wilkie, 4.

I suppose her four year old could be smarter and more socially conscious than any other four year old I’ve ever met, but I doubt it.

I actually have a four year old, and he’s a smart little bugger, and I can’t see hitting him over the head for WEEKS on end, EVERY night, with the cold hard facts about children starving.

Maybe next they could start a book about clubbing baby seals. It could be a picture book!

I believe in being truthful with your kids about the state of the world, really I do.  But good googly moogly, give the kid a break.

Ok, enough with that.

If you would like to join the contest already in progress, go to this post and leave your entry in the comments. Also, y’all are awesome.

11 Angry Men (and one incredibly bitchy woman)

12-angry-men.jpgYeah, so I’ve been summoned for Jury Duty.  Jealous, aren’t you?   I’m supposed to call the night before to see if I’m even supposed to show up, so this may all be moot anyway, but I thought we could have a little fun in the meantime.

I thought we’d have a contest to see who comes up with the best reason and/or  method to get out of Jury Duty*.    Go crazy with it.   Use your imagination.

Leave your entry in the comments or e-mail me at and I’ll pick the winner at the end of the week.

The winner will receive (drum roll, please) a $5.00 Starbucks gift card.  Which I’m aware is a chickenshit prize, but it’s better than nothing so quit bitching and get to thinking.

Also, people who are related to me (including Jo, who gave me the idea with her comment on the last post) are not eligible to win, but should totally leave ideas anyway.  This rule makes the odds much better for the other three of you who read here!

So, put your thinking caps on (again) and get to work!

* To any law enforcement types who may be reading this (Hi Pookie!), I do not intend to try to get out of jury duty.  Also, you’re looking very nice today. Have you been working out?

I mean it about the chocolate, y’all

Dear Internet-webs,

Y’all, I feel like crap rolled in poo and dusted with a fine coating of more crap.  I have a cold. And as much as I have enjoyed our extended cool weather, I’m not real happy with the results.   To add to my overall grumpitude, I got a summons for Jury Duty.

The only thing keeping me going right now is the Ny-Quil. I’m at least 3 of the 7 dwarfs at any given moment.

So since I’m kinda grumpy and out of sorts, y’all get a video.

Also, send chocolate.

Next I’m going on The View, if only so I can duct tape Rosie’s pie hole shut

There’s a cool new meme goin’ round the old internet. Basically, someone (Fauve) will interview me here at my place, just like someone else interviewed her at her blog. Then, if anyone is interested, I will interview them at their blog. They will, in turn, interview someone else at their blog. Simple, really. Let’s see how badly I can fuck it up, shall we?

F: Howdy, Contrary! How’s it hanging?

C: Low, my friend. Low.

F: Alrighty then! Let’s get started. First Question: Do you have a living will? Why or why not?

C: That’s a great question! You’re really very good at this. I can tell.

F: Oh, stop.

C: Well, it’s true! Ok, so. No I do not have a living will. I should. The reason I don’t is a combination of laziness and not wanting to acknowledge my own mortality. For the record, Pookie knows my feelings on the subject. They are as follows: If I should for any reason, lapse into a coma or vegetative state, do not NOT pull the plug. Keep whatever is keeping my ass alive going. I don’t give one little shit about the expense, and as for my family, they better all come see me every day and rub my ashy elbows with some good lotion.

F: Well. That’s a little selfish, don’t you think?

C: Yeah, well. I think I’ll be entitled to be selfish what with the breathing tubes and bed sores, don’t you?

F: Um. Ok. Anyway! Next Question: What things give you the greatest satisfaction?

C: The people I love. Which, I know, they’re not ‘things’, per se, but they give me great satisfaction. Also, books, this blog, my work, food. I’m sure there’s more, but if I get too introspective, I’m liable to get all weepy and wax poetic about how Pooter’s hair smells right after a wash.

F: Awww. That’s kinda sweet, though.

C: Yeah, I’m a sweetheart. Ask anyone. Next!

F: Oh. Okay. Here we go: If you were on a desert island , what three books would you want to have with you?

C: Easy. The first one would be a phone book so I could call someone to come pick me the fuck up. HaHaHaHa!

F: (glare)

C: Ok, ok. Geez. Ok, so three books. First would be the bible, because I’ve never read it all the way through. Because I am a heathen, and also? That bad boy is huge! Second would be the complete works of Mark Twain. Third, a book on how to survive and aid in your own rescue from a desert island, duh.

F: Ooh, that’s a good one!

C: Yeah, well. I’m smarter than the average bear.

F: Indeed. Ok, next question: If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

C: I’m not sure if you mean what would I change about my present circumstances or what would I change in the past, if I could, so I’ll answer it both ways. What I would like to change about now is that I would like to be geographically closer to our three older boys. My oldest is in California and Pookie’s two oldest live almost 3 hours away. One distance much greater than the other, but both of them are still much too far for me.

If I were to change one thing about the past, I would have done everything I could to go to college. Yes, it would have been very difficult and time consuming and I might not have gotten to spend as much time with my children, but I would have been more fulfilled and more capable of earning a decent living and more of an example to my kids.

F: Did I ever tell you you’re my hero?

C: Quit it.

F: Hee! Ok, ok. Last question! If you were granted three wishes, what would you wish for?

C: Oh, crap. ok. Let’s see. Um. World Peace? All the money I or my descendants could ever spend? The latest Girls Gone Wild video? A pet tiger? Ooh. or a monkey! Wait, I’m afraid of monkeys. No monkeys.

Ya know, it doesn’t matter how many wishes I had. All I could ever want is good health for me and mine, a peaceful world for us to live in and to never worry about finances again. But I would take effortless weight loss, if I can’t get the other stuff.

F: Annnd, we’re done! This is the most fun I’ve ever had. Bar none. Dude, you’re just awesome.

C: (blushes becomingly) Likewise, I’m sure.

Ok, now here’s where I admit that Fauve simply sent me five question in an e-mail and then I embellished mightily. Not the questions themselves, of course, but, yeah, everything else Fauve said. Like y’all hadn’t already figured that out, I know.

So, anyway, if you would like me to interview you, just leave a comment saying so. Even if you don’t want me to interview you, you should leave a comment. Show the love, fuckers!

If you would like to participate, here are the deets (that’s slang for details. Am cool) :
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else
in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five

Annie Leibovitz, I’m not.

Y’all are gonna be so impressed with me. I learned something new today. I learned how to use Photoshop at the most basic level. It’s the stuff they’re teaching in Kindergarten these days, really, but it’s a big thing for me.

See, I didn’t even know how to resize pictures taken with my digital camera to make them more usable on the computer. Basically, every picture was about the size of a bedspread and I would have to send them to Pookie or Miranda, have them resize the pics and then they’d send them back to me to use. Which is not only kind of pathetic, but terribly inconvenient for everyone involved.

But I just might be on my way to taking and tweaking pictures I’m happy with!

( For those who are still reading, thank you for indulging me. I swear I won’t be this boring all the time)

Here’s a picture I took with my camera phone of the night sky. Now as camera phone pictures go, it’s not bad, but it was tiny and much darker than what I’d seen with my naked eye. Apparently the flash on a camera phone doesn’t do much good when confronted with Mother Nature. Anyway, here’s the original pic:


It was gorgeous out that night.

Here it is, re-sized to something you don’t need a magnifying glass for:


Better, but a little blurrier than the original and still too dark overall (again, in comparison to what I saw with my naked eye, which was what I wanted to capture)

Here’s the finished product; by no means ready to be published anywhere but here, but I’m still pretty darn happy with it. What do you think?


Oh, and this last one is what happens when you put a dodge tool in the wrong hands: