I’m sure it’ll all go downhill soon, though

Things that are making me happy right now:

1)  My stepsons are here for the whole week while they’re on Spring Break.   There will be Scrabble and Texas Hold’Em and movies.  That’s right people, it’s party central around here.

2) The new season of Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels is here.  I was always a little scared of the Demon, but it turns out he’s a pussycat.

3) Did mention how I don’t work for the Big Bad Corporation anymore?   I’m telling you, it’ll give you a whole new outlook on life.

Things that are making me unhappy this week:

1) Not a damned thing.  It’s all good.

How are things going with y’all?

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Un petit drôle*

  Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the middle of some rather nasty divorce proceedings.

The judge, addressing himself to Mickey, says, “Ok, sir.  I’ve heard your testimony and it is my understanding that you wish to divorce your wife because she’s crazy. Is that correct?”.

Mickey replies, ‘I didn’t say she was crazy, Your Honor. I said she was fucking Goofy.”
*Un petit drôle- ‘a small funny’ in French, at least according to Babel Fish.  I thought maybe it would class up this post, which I think we can all agree totally needed it.

I wonder if she’s in the market for a new BFF, because I am SO there

happy-face.pngAs you know if you’ve been reading regularly (and if you haven’t, why not? Do you want to make me cry? Is that what this is? Because it’s kind of mean, is all I’m saying), I am starting a new business.

For the record, when I say ‘I’ am starting a new business, I actually mean me, and my fellow groomer and partner, Miranda, and then there’s all the work that Pookie has done and continues to do and Baby Girl has done more than her fair share (sometimes it’s not so cushy to work for your Mom) and of course, Pooter has helped by providing comic relief and keeping us awake when we were literally watching varnish dry.

So when I say that ‘I’ am starting a new business, I’m not discounting anyone else. I’m just trying to keep the writing (and I use the term loosely) simple and spare. Possibly so that I have more room for cuss words.  Who the fuck knows.

We’ve been calling our customes to let them know where we are, and in a bit of irony when I say ‘we’, I actually mean ‘I’, because I’m the only one making any calls.   So far.  We only have the one phone line, so it’s  my turn now, and then Miranda (my partner) will get her turn in the barrel.    The barrel, she is a cruel mistress.

Anyway, besides the  cauliflower ear, it’s been by and large a positive experience.  People have been very enthusiastic about the new place and are eager to come see us.

However, the one that will forever stick in my mind is the wonderful lady who said (and I quote), “I’m so proud and happy for you! I always knew you were better than that place.”.

I think I love her.

I also napped and sat on my ass a lot

miniature-lemon-jonquils.jpgToday’s post comes to you in list form. Because that’s how I roll. Yo. And yes, I’m aware that the the faux gangster talk is simply not done anymore, but I’m not very cool or ‘with it’, and that really is how I roll.
(1) Festivals we attended this weekend: 1

The Jonquil Festival at Old Washington State Park in Arkansas (just a quick jog down the road from Hope, where they’re still shooting up the ‘Birthplace of Clinton’ signs. )

(2) Foods consumed off a stick because I didn’t learn anything the last time: 4

Alligator (of course, right?), sausage, shrimp and the hands-down favorite, chocolate covered strawberries. We ate, we made candles, we appreciated history and we met some local wildlife.

The wildlife being Agnes the wild turkey, and Esme the peahen. We named them ourselves, because we are the kind of people who do that. Well, Baby Girl and I are the kind of people who do that. Pookie is the kind of people who roll their eyes at people like us.

(3) Shows/movies added to the TiVo line-up: A lot.

Some highlights: Shalom in the Home on TLC. I have a little bit of a crush on the Rabbi. Apparently common sense is an aphrodisiac to me. Next I’ll be mackin’ on the Supernanny.

Barefoot in the Park with Jane Fonda and Robert Redford. It was made in 1967 and they were both gorgeous. Also, Neil Simon wrote it so it’s funny as hell.

Mythbusters. I don’t know we’ve never TiVo’d this one since we watch it every chance we get, but it has it’s own season pass now.

All in all a great weekend, thanks mostly to a newfound ability to eat stick food in reasonable quantities.

So what did y’all do this weekend? Go anywhere fun? Eat anything disgusting? Watch anything on the tube that didn’t kill any brain cells? Inquiring minds want to know.

Updating from work, because I can, Motherfuckers

To all you who have been clamoring to hear what happened on my last day at Large Multi-national Corporation (all one of you), you’ll be glad to know that it was rather anti-climactic.

I was going to weave a story full of intrigue and violence and bullshit, but at the end of the day, I’m too tired to do anything except tell the truth.  The truth is kind of boring, y’all.

It was actually a pretty good day.  I felt much the same way I imagine a prisoner feels packing up his shaving kit and girlie magazines on his last day in the joint.

I did have one manager tell me (when I expressed disinterest in someone else’s  breach of stupid, useless policy), “You are still the salon manager even if it is only for a few more days, you know.”.  To which I replied, “Actually, I’m salon manager for about 30 more minutes, but I haven’t given a shit for awhile now.”.    Hee.

We’re running a bit behind on opening the new place because the owners were renovating and got screwed by their ‘contractors’ (‘contractors’ here meaning the meth heads their son hired so he could pocket some of the renovation money).  So March’s rent money will go toward April’s rent instead and we’ll be officially open less than a week later than we intended.

Which is fine because it gives us time to accomplish some other stuff, like fuck around on the internet while ‘at work’.  That’s right, I can now screw around on the internet while at work, like all the rest of you slackers.

Also, I wanted to show you what our banner (sign) will look like.   Just go here and have a look.  I have to tell you that when my daughter saw it, she said, “Wow, our phone number is easy to remember.”.   She said this completely without irony.  She’s so pretty.

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Conversation between Pooter and I the other evening.

Him: (low level fussing)

Me:  What are you fussing about?

Him: Because I’m upset. (‘because’ is his default sentence starter)

Me:  You’re not upset. You’re pretending to be upset. I know. I’m a girl.

Pookie (in the other room):  Snort.

And your little dog too

My life of late has been..a bit stressful.  Between finishing out my two weeks at the old job and trying to get everything ready to open the new place on Monday (things NOT ready, btw), things have been, well, crazy.

I won’t bore you with the details, because the details are indeed very boring (Ex: The water company has the highest desposit of any of the utilities, phone and internet included. Yawn.)

There have been a couple of high points though.

The first was when I got to kick a customer out and tell her not to come back.  It was totally satisfying. Don’t worry, I didn’t just pick out an old lady at random to kick out, just to give myself a boost.  This lady deserved it.

She got very angry when the groomer didn’t recognize her because “You’re name is Kate and my name is Katie! Remember!?  GOD, I can’t believe you don’t remember me.”

Then, she insisted that we had always charged her for a toy poodle clip on her dog. Which, since her dog is most definitely a miniature poodle and the computer verified that she had never been charged for a toy, we told her she was mistaken.

Let me give y’all a little advice.  Don’t tell crazy people they are wrong.  It’s a bad idea.

I was already inclined to boot her out, but besides the size of her ego (“I’m Katie! You’re Kate! What is WRONG with you!?”), and trying to get the groom cheaper, she hadn’t really acted out badly enough to get the boot.

Just as I’m telling the manager that I’d just as soon he got rid of her, she loudly exclaimed that Kate was pissing her off.

I whipped my head around at her and announced that ‘ok, we’re done now!’.  I handed her her dog and told her that she needed to leave.  She then told me that Kate had ‘screamed’ at her first.  Since Kate is sort of infamous for being a low talker and there were about 10 people in the salon at the time, she had no hope of getting that one to fly.

I quite literally shooed her out of the salon, all the while saying things like, “Alrighty then!  Thanks so much!  Time to go!  Have a great day!”

The other high point was having a great book to excape into and forget all the stress for awhile.  Super Mom Saves the world is a fast, fun read and totally capable of delivering you to Calgon-type happiness.

Melanie Lynne Hauser is a hot chick with a sense of humor (check out her blog) and the ability to transfer that sense of humor to the page.  Thank God.  Now if I could just get Super Mom over here to use her power of 20,000 Swiffers on my house, I’d be finer than frog hair.

The fine art of conversation

The other day my friend Miranda and I had the following conversation. About spit. Because we are 10, apparently.

Me: Spitting is disgusting. Truly revolting. Ack.

Her: Dude, we all know how you feel about spitting. We get it. Now shut it.

Me: Whatever. Hey, when I was a kid, though, I could spit like a cobra. I was deadly.

Her: A spitting cobra?

Me: No, dumbass, the non-spitting variety. They’re just as mean and unpredictable, but not nearly as deadly. Unless, of course, you lie down in front of them and let them spit in your eye.

We then spent the next ten minutes pretending to be a spitless cobra. Complete with lots of spittle flying around and the noises one might make while attempting to ‘hock up a loogie’.

We decided that this particular snake is kind of grumpy, has an inferiority complex and is more than likely named Steve.

Steve the loogie hocking cobra.