Shit Dear Abby won’t tell you

I have decided to start an advice column. It’s going to be a little different than your usual advice column. Instead of readers sending me questions and me answering them, I’m going to accidently do really stupid shit and then tell y’all not to do it. That way, I’m learning and educating all at the same time. Great idea, right? Ok, then, let’s get to it.


Dear Contrary,

Should I apply toxic hair color to the old noggin and then take a nice long walk on the treadmill. thus risking a light sweat since my idea of exercise is to take a bath instead of a shower, making me have to heave my ass up out of the tub when I’m done? Not that I’m opposed to a light sweat, but I’m afraid the sweat might mix with the hair color and make it run down my face in stripes, making me look like Tammy Faye before she got Jose Eber to hook her up.

Thanks in advance! (Only not, because I already did it)

Your bestest friend,


Dear Contrary,

Yeah. Um. Don’t do that again. Seriously. Also, not for nothing, but I heard milk will get that out of your skin. You dumb bitch.

Love, Contrary

I think I could probably manage at least one column a week if I get picked up for syndication. I mean, one stupid thing a week is really aiming low for me.


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