A Call to Arms

First, to answer a few questions:

Pat: Lightning McQueen is a character from the movie Cars. He’s a race car. Currently little man’s hero. A drivable Lightning McQueen is a toy that he can sit in and drive. Now, what is this East Village you speak of? Are there lots of animated movie fans there?

Mrs. Chili: Yes, gator. I will note that I only finally felt better today. Rule of thumb, only one gator on a stick for any one visit to the fair. Because, OMG.

Andy: I don’t honestly know what fair it was. It was the fair that comes to town once a year. Is that the state fair? Or do we not get the state fair here because it’s Podunkville and we have to compensate with the local fair of food poisoning?

And a special note to Roo: AVOID THE GATOR!!

Now, on to the reason I’ve called you all here today:

There’s this guy at work. He’s what you might call a prankster. I call him worse things daily. He likes to mess with me and I like to retaliate.

There have been twists and turns in the ongoing battle: Waterfights (seriously, they used less water to film The Titanic than we’ve wasted in water fights).
Walking around a corner and having the everloving crap scared out of you (I’ve been told I do a very satisfting leap and scream combo) (and when I punch the crap out of his arm? That’s when I get my satisfaction).
The open cans of catfood left in inconspicuous places (if you think cat food stinks fresh out of the can, wait until it’s sat in a light fixture for two days.)
The label he stuck around my around my arm that stretched from my wrist to my elbow (and the ensuing hilarity as I ripped all the hair off my arm. Apparently, strangled screams are a HOOT).

Are you getting the picture, Internet?

So this morning I get to work and he has wrapped my entire grooming table and the grooming arm up in shrink wrap.

I took some really crappy pictures with my crappy camera phone so y’all can get a crappy idea of what it looked like:

Pic 1:

Ok, it’s a really crappy picture but the word ‘Ha!’ is written on the shrink wrap.

Pic 2:

Looks like a Hershey’s kiss, huh? Here is it says ‘Casting Stones’. Before you ask, I have no idea what the hell that means.

So he got me pretty good and I’d like to get him back even better. My first instinct is to shrink wrap his truck’s doors, into the shut position. Then maybe I can write something really esoteric on it.

But there’s got to be something better than simply taking his prank to the next level, right?

Y’all gotta help a bitch out, yo. I need relatively harmless (though a little hair loss on his part wouldn’t hurt my feelings), legal revenge, appropriate for the workplace.

Now some of y’all would probably argue that revenge of any flavor is inappropriate in the workplace. To you I say, “Hah!’.

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9 Responses to “A Call to Arms”

  1. Andy Says:

    “Let he is without sin cast the first stone”?

    That’s all that I can think of.

    Anyway, yes, shrinkwrapping the truck sounds pretty good.

    I would suggest shrinkwrapping one of his dogs, but you know… others might not look so kindly on that.

  2. roo Says:

    Maybe the shrink wrap is your glass house?

    Gator-avoiding– done.

    I’ve heard that alligators can run at thirty-five miles an hour, and the only way to avoid one chasing you is to run in a zig-zag (apparently, long-bodied, freakishly fast reptiles get going so quick in one direction that they don’t handle turning quickly very well.)

    I’ve also heard that the above is a myth. So I guess I’d have to fall back on trying to gouge out the animal’s eye with my bloody stump.

  3. Pookie Says:

    Roo: don’t avoid the gator. Gator is good. It doesn’t taste like chicken. It tastes like sweet pork.

    Contrary, snookums, you have to forgive PatK. He’s obviously spending too much time hanging out in the East Village. Probably doing the “Gator”, too.

    K.

  4. Jenny Says:

    I plastered my coworkers office with yellow manila envelopes. Every inch. It took 2 hours and when I was done you could see the yellow glow all the way down the hall.

    Or if you don’t have manilla envelopes I’d recommend suspending his supplies in jello. Or put a trash sack in his drawer and then fill it up with water and goldfish.

  5. Whimspiration Says:

    OOH those are great ideas! *chuckle* I don’t think I could top those.

  6. Robin Says:

    You mentioned truck…how about filling the bed of the truck w/ ping pong balls? When he opens the door they all spill out.

  7. Mrs.Chili Says:

    DAMN, Robin – you beat me to it – though I was going to offer the idea of packing peanuts. Cheaper and easier to transport and, if Contrary got the biodegradable kind, not too difficult to get rid of…

  8. Pat K Says:

    Hey were I spend my time and what I do with Gators is my own biz.

    Don’t pick on me it makes me feel
    less pretty.

  9. Heather Says:

    I have to say a truce of donuts works well in such situations. Leave one out in a common area and tell him about them. Get some jelly filled ones, or ones like boston cremes and stick a garlic clove in them. Warn others you’re worried about innocent bystanders. People will be eating donuts around him that look perfectly fine, then he eats one that’s filled with garlic cloves.

    Or newspaper would be cheap to fill the truck with – cheaper than either the packing peanuts or ping pong balls.


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