Half a meme is better than none

I’m back, thanks to Pookie( he also brought me a bag of Dark Chocolate Mint Truffle Hershey’s Kisses. I heart him). I’m not here via borrowed internet access for the first time in about 3 days. I can type all slow and casual like instead of typing whatever I can think of for 5 minutes because who knows when the internet is going to go bye-bye now.

For those whom I might have offended with my opinion of Nicholas Cage’s acting skills, it will help if you keep in mind that if he can get in front of a camera, or even just other people, and not say something wildly inappropriate or profane, he’s already doing about 100% better than me.

Okay, it’s the last day of November, which means it’s also the very last day of NaBloPoMo. Yay! No more posting every day! It’s a party!

Except, yesterday I decided to join Holidailies and thus commit to posting every day for the month of December. I was really proud of Pookie and Baby Girl for taking the news well. Seriously, you’d think I have a deadline with the New York Times as fidgety and whiny as I get right before I post.

You’d think that attitude would result in every post being well thought out and well executed. You’d be wrong. Horribly, tragically wrong.

Anyway, here’s another meme for those of you looking for blog fodder. It’s a big sucker (69 questions. Coincidence? I think not), and I’m just a delicate little old thing, so I’m gonna have to take it in small spurts. (Dirty!)

1) Are you an Aunt/Uncle?

Uncle! Wait. No, I’m an aunt. It’s chicks that are aunts, right?

2) Can you do a cartwheel?

Does the pope shit in the woods? (I’m not mixing my metaphors here, the answer is ‘no fucking way’)

3) What was the last movie you saw in theaters?

We took Pooter to see Bee Movie for his Bee-day. I think I’m just too much of a WASP to get it.

4) Do you eat vegetables regularly?

Now that we’re over the scurvy, yeah, we tear up some lettuce and call it a salad fairly often.

5) If you were going to get a body piercing, where would you get it?

I actually quite want to get my nose pierced. I have Pookie’s full support in this matter. Now I just have to get over the bad case of the Chickenshits that I have regarding needles.

6) Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex?

I spend my days with a five year old boy. He kept asking me to take him to the doctor today because, and I quote, ‘I have no feeling in my legs!’. I almost took him to the ER purely for the entertainment value of this small boy refusing to acknowledge that he did indeed have feeling in his legs.

7) What is the weather like right at this very moment?

There are only two weather conditions I recognize: Snowing and Not Snowing. It is currently Not Snowing. The forecasters are calling for Not Snow for some time to come.

8 ) What is something you can’t wait for?

I can’t wait to pee. I’m not good at it and if I were you, I wouldn’t ask me to.

9) How many times have you been to Canada?

Never. I’ve tried, but I got caught at the border with maple syrup from Vermont and it was Rodney King all over again.

10) Have you ever had a reptile as a pet?

When Nate (my oldest kid) was in fifth grade, I let him get a snake on the condition that he kept his grades up. I never thought I’d be grateful to see a bad report card, but I felt like a monster every time I brought a rat home for that snake to eat. Yay for failing math!

11) What is your favorite fruit?

I’ve said this before, I think. The answer is Elton John.

12) What song is on your myspace profile right now?

None. I’m not very music-y. The automatic players on Myspace profiles just drive me up a fucking wall, if I can take a moment to sound like an old fogey. An old fogey with a potty mouth.

13) Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?

It was a number I didn’t recognize and they didn’t leave a message. Their loss. Bastards.

14) Where are you most ticklish?

The backs of my arms. Though, it’s not so much that I’m ticklish there as it’s I will cut you bad if you touch the back of my arms. It skeeves me out right proper.

15) How many hours a week do you normally work?

It depends on how you define work. If ’sitting on your ass’ is classified as work, then I am a workaholic.
16) Who’s your number 1 on myspace?

My son, Nate. Who I’m actually quite pissed with right now since I haven’t heard from him since very early September, so you can tell I don’t really put anyone in any particular order, because he is SO not my favorite at the moment. My friends are listed in the order in which they became my friends. It’s very 2005, I know.

17) Do you have deep dark secrets?

Absolutely not. I’m an open book. A profanity laden paperback book with a broken spine.
18) When was the last time you were sick?

Last week when I had an ear infection and then I got the Herpes. It wasn’t a good week. (I’m trying to be all considerate of the guys by not mentioning that Aunt Flo also came for a visit. It REALLY wasn’t a good week)

19) What color is your car?

Razorback Red. Go Pig! Sooie!

20) How many siblings do you have?

My parents had 4 boys and me. When my Dad remarried, I got 2 step-brothers, 2 step sisters, a half brother and a half sister. It was just like the Brady Bunch, except that we all pretty much hated each other (although there was a little bit of creepy stepbrother-step sister action going on in the form of a couple of really moist kisses in the coat closet).

21) Have you ever gotten caught sneaking out?

I don’t think so. I remember being really good at it. And if I had got caught, I’m sure I could have come up with a story for my mother to explain why I was out. If you’ve been reading a few days, you know the woman was really gullible.

22) Did you ever try running away from home when you were younger?

I actually did run away from my father’s house in Iowa. I’ll have to tell that story one time.

23) What makes you the happiest?

Sex. Lots of sex. And Pie. Sex and pie.

24) How do you feel when you see a child at the store throwing a “Tantrum”?

I usually feel great empathy, because I done been there and done that and until they make it legal to follow through on threats to sell your kid to the gypsies, we’re going to keep seeing this kind of thing

25) Where do you want to be right now?

New Hampshire.

26) Have you ever finished a Rubik’s Cube?

I have no idea. I know I spent hours trying to, so I hope I managed it at least once, or else it was just a colossal waste of time.

27) When is the last time you drank too much?

Right now, baby. Show me your tits!
28) When was the last time you rode a bike?

A couple of years ago. I ended up with what I suspect was a sprained crotch.

29) Do you have any vacation plans for this summer?

We’re hoping to get back up to New Hampshire. Hopefully Mrs. Chili won’t flee the state again while we’re there and I’ll get to meet her. And hopefully some of those other crazy New Englanders who visit here.

30) Where were you 1 hour ago?

I was writing this post.

And now I’m done. Until tomorrow anyway.

Because I’m a glutton for punishment

Here we are, Day 3 of the Great Internet Debacle of 2007. It continues to be sucktastic. Do y’all miss me, at least? I miss y’all. A really lot

I would like to give thanks to the kind people at Netflix for helping to keep us occupied during this trying time. Also, Christopher Moore, Susan Elizabeth Phillips and Tom Clancy. We love you guys.

So, has anyone heard anything about something called Holidailies? It’s about posting every day in the month of December, if I’m not mistaken. I’ll have to get adventurous and do a search.

I think I’m going to do it, though, because posting every day is kind of fun, and hey, if I can post while I DON’T HAVE INTERNET (weep,sob), surely I can post another 31 days in a row, right?

So. Who’s with me? Come on, we had fun this month, right? I still have a few memes to get through and I’m sure to at least get a good bloody stubbed toe in the next month and I’m sure to find some funny cat videos or something.

Who’s with me?

Edit: I am now officially registered for Holidailies. Please note the new badge up at the top right there. A little click will take you to the Holidailies site. I would like to note that I, all by myself, figured out how to put it there and make it clickable.  Take a moment to be suitably impressed.  I didn’t want to make whether I signed up or not contingent on if others were gonna do it.  So I’m doing it regardless. 

Still, it would be awesome if my friends came along for the ride. 

As God as my witness, I’ll never go without high speed internet again (but I’m still not eating any fucking turnips)

I’m not sure if this post will make it as I have had to borrow a cup of internet from one of my neighbors.   It’s all very slow, and it’s not very pretty, but it’s here, by God.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, y’all.

Anyway, Baby Girl and I watched Ghost Rider this evening.  I would normally link to the IMDB page for this movie, but honestly, I’m afraid to get fancy.

The movie wasn’t bad, despite the presence of Nicholas Cage. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he’s had some fine moments on celluloid (leaving Las Vegas was a high point, if I recall), but for the most part, he makes Keanu Reeves look like Sir Laurence Olivier.

Has anyone else seen it?  Because I need to know if anyone else got the feeling that he was channeling Elvis.    I wish I was kidding.

I must give kudos on his six pack though. It’s obvious he spends more time doing crunches than learning to emote.

Peter Fonda was in the movie, playing the devil, which he did with total believability.  Because everyone knows that if you do your hair back in a Jimmy Swaggart sweep and carry a walking stick that you must be evil incarnate.   I predict Oscar buzz for Mr. Fonda.    Really.

Eva Mendes (her name might end with a ‘z’, but I’m too scared to click away and look, so feel free to  check on that for me), played the love interest.    Her eyebrows scare the shit out of me.   I know that sounds mean, but I’m trying to help here.  Who keeps putting this gorgeous girl in movies without sending her to get those fucked up caterpillars fixed?   Honestly? She looks like my Aunt Sally, who shaved her eyebrows off one too many times back in the day and spent the rest of her life drawing them back on.    It wasn’t a good look for my Aunt Sally and it’s not a good look for this poor girl.   Someone get that Susan Powter chick in here to stop the madness.

Ok, since I can’t go surfing and am probably missing all kinds of cool shit on the internet, y’all send me some good links to check out when I’m back to full speed.   I feel so aloooooone.

Also, thanks to Kizz  (look, I linked!) for the very nice comment from the last post.  I told Pookie that I would be damned if I was going to miss a day this close to the end.   I sorta feel like breaking into I Will Survive.  Be glad you can’t hear me, y’all.  I know the whole song and I don’t care how bad I sound.

That’s the kind of badass I am.

I’ll be back tomorrow, God willing and the creek don’t rise.

The internet is broken

At my house, anyway.  I come to you courtesy of the free wireless internet at the rest stop off the highway.  The things I will do to post every day for NaBloPoMo.  I am sitting at a picnic table and can barely see the screen and I hope I’m writing this on my blog as opposed to accidentally responding to some porn spam.

If I haven’t visited your blog or left a comment, now you know why.  I hope to have this fixed soon.   If so, I will try to catch up on all my visiting and commenting right away.  If not, I’ll be here again tomorrow, squinting at the screen and cussing under my breath.

Does anyone know if Starbuck’s has free wireless internet?  Anyone? Beuller?

That rat bastard Beelzebub made me do it

When I was a kid and got busted doing something bad, I was pretty good at giving such a good reason for doing whatever I’d done that  most of the time, I got away with it completely.

As an example: One time, when I skipped school and hung out at my friend Jan’s house all day, smoking the dope; her mom came home early.  Busted me in Jan’s closet.  Big time.  (Hint: Do not hide in closets. Suspicious parents look there.)

She took me home and told my mother what had happened.  My mother thanked her, said goodbye, and turned around to face me so she could look me in the eye when she killed me.  I proceeded to burst into tears and tell her that I had started my period at school that day and hadn’t been prepared and had had an accident and Jan had brought me to her house so I could change because I was totally freaking out.

This was all a dirty dirty lie.

However, my mother, as predicted by me, the evil genuis, immediately hearkened back to her own days of being 14 and that kind of thing happening and the ensuing mortification, and felt a rush of sympathy for me.

She dried my (fake-ass) tears and told me to go get in the tub. Then she got me settled on the couch with a heating pad and a cup of tea.

She babied me the rest of the day and even offered to let me stay home the next day too.  I, of course, declined this kind offer as staying home would prevent me from hanging out at someone else’s house and smoking the dope.

So, to summarize, I was a lying, pot smoking, manipulative little shit.

But at least I could tell a good, believable story and keep it all straight.

Which makes me feel almost bad for this guy, who couldn’t lie his way out of a wet paper bag.

He has recently resigned his position as Mayor of Centerton, AR, when it was revealed that he had been living under a false identity for the past thirty years.   From the article:

“(He) told reporters this week he had once been a preacher in New York.

Then, the mayor continued, he’d been kidnapped by Satanists, found by his family, been found by Satanists again, the Satanists threatened his wife and two daughters, the mayor feared for his family’s safety, rode off into the sunset on a bicycle, traveled the country, traveled the world, and finally settled in Centerton.

Last week, in a nutshell — the operative word being nut — Centerton’s Mayor Pick A. Kname admitted to living a double life. (A single life in Centerton is bad enough. A double life is twice as bad.)

Mayor Whoever told reporters that the Satanists had hooked an “electric” machine to his head, erased his memory, brain-washed him into believing he was somebody else and he only regained bits and pieces of his memory after a doctor had shot him full of “truth serum.”

There’s much more and you should go read it, because it’s quite funny and snarky.

However, back to the reason I told that story on myself in the beginning.  I have some advice for The Right Honorable What’s His Face:

Learn how to lie.  It’s obvious you have a certain level of skill with deception, but that’s not the same thing.

The reason no one believes you is not just because it’s so obviously a lie, it’s because it’s such a BAD lie.  It’s like the lie a 4 year old tells when someone asks him who broke the lamp: ” Um. It was Frosty the snowman.  He was afraid the heat from the lamp would melt him and so he did it in order to save his own life. Poor Frosty.”

You would have done better to say that a one-armed man had killed your wife and you’d spent all this time looking for him in order to clear your name.    Seriously.

So who else wants to dress up like a satan worshipper and go scare the shit out of this guy?   I’ll buy lunch!

My first (and most likely only) obligatory Grey’s Anatomy post

I watched my very first episode of Grey’s Anatomy tonight.   It’s not as sucktastic as I thought it would be.  I thought it was mostly people having sex in hospital broom closets.   There was no sex at all!   What there was, was a cliffhanger.

So I asked my good friend TiVo to record it next week so that I can find out what happens.   It’s a one time thing. I do not intend to get involved.    I just gotta find out if that one guy’s new heart takes and if that other guy will still be able to operate after surgery on his own shoulder.

It’s all very dramatic.   Thankfully I managed to avoid all that McDreamy V. McSteamy crap.

Oh, and how come no one ever mentions the how whiny Grey’s voice is?  Homegirl needs some work done on her adenoids.

I’m sure one of her colleagues would be happy to help her with that, but they’re too busy fighting or fornicating.

I’m gonna watch it again next week before I decide whether or not it deserves a season pass.  I’m pretty picky about my season passes.

Ok, I’m not really all that picky.  The TiVo is basically a wasteland of mindless drivel, with a few Discovery channel shows throw in to make us feel more smarter.  However, it’s a full wasteland and I have to make sure something is going to keep me enthralled (easier than you’d think) before I commit to it.

Maybe next I’ll take to watching Desperate Housewives.

Nah.

I knew it!

At long last, we have empirical evidence that cats are some sneaky sons-a-bitches. Ok, so there’s actually plenty of evidence already in existence, but none of it is this funny.

The first video is two cats having a cat conversation. You won’t be able to understand a word of it. Watch it anyway. The second video-same two cats, same conversation, only this time it’s been translated for us; the stupid bipeds.

Very sweet, right? Who could resist that?

And here’s the revelation:

Now if only we could figure out what dogs are yelling to each other across the fence, we’d be golden. Or at least more prepared for when the furry little bastards stage a coup and try to take over the world.

Tryptophan- The gateway drug

Did y’all ever see that Monty Python sketch about the very fat man eating dinner out? I tried to find it on YouTube with no luck. Anyway, the fella gets incredibly full and tries to refuse an after dinner mint. For some reason, he ends up accpting it, eating it, and then… he exploded.

This is how I feel.

One more bite of sweet potatoes and I am going to die. It won’t be a dramatic drawn out death. It’ll be quick and relatively painless. And I’ll have a smile on my face.

After we ate, Pookie had to go to work, the poor guy. On the upside, he hasn’t had to take a bite of that apple pie yet.

After Pookie left, Pooter and I settled in to watch Flushed Away, courtesy of Netflix. After that, we watched Home Alone. It was the first time he’d ever seen it and we had the best time.

And then I passed out.

And then I came to and had some more sweet potatoes.

Actually, not only didn’t I pass out, I didn’t even have a nap. I decided if Pookie couldn’t have one, neither would I.

I love that man, but next time I’m taking a nap.

So how was your Thanksgiving? Good food? Good company? Anyone get bitch slapped?

Happy Thanksgiving and pass the pie, Bitch

The pie is in the oven. I repeat, the pie is in the oven. We are at defcon 4, people.

My very first apple pie is in the oven right now. We already know one thing about this pie. It will not be pretty.

It’s an ugly little pie, y’all. It’s a Charlie Brown pie. But I made it out of love for Pookie, so he is obligated by his love for me to eat it all and pronounce it delicious.

Poor bastard never even saw it coming.

****

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I stole a meme from Robyn. Sure, it’s not as flashy as stealing an entire country from an indigenous people, but it was the best I could do.

It’s Thanksgiving Meme time!

1. How will you be spending your Thanksgiving this year?

With Pookie, Baby Girl, and Pooter, at home. Oh, and my brothers might show up. The dogs will be holding their annual contest to determine who can most look like a poor starving puppy. It’s always difficult as they have to keep pushing their fat rolls out of the way.

2. Will you be cooking or are you just an eater?

I’m cooking everything but the turkey. Ole Turkey Lurkey will be in Pookie’s capable hands.

3. Do you watch the parade every year or football?

I always watch the parade. Pooter and I have been jazzed up about it for days.

4. What’s your favorite float?

Duh. The last one. The one carrying Santa. I would say what a stupid question that was, but I’m pretty sure that Santa wouldn’t like that kind of talk.

5. Dark meat or white meat?

It really doesn’t matter, since it’s all gonna get mashed together with dressing and gravy.

6. Leg or breast?

No, I cannot eat a turkey leg. They look all sinewy. Like the turkey has been working out. It freaks me out.

7. What is your favorite dish besides the turkey?

Let me put it this way: If dressing and gravy were a controlled substance, I would be a dressing and gravy whore.
8. Homemade cranberry sauce or cranberry sauce from the can?

Neither. I mean no offense to those of you who like that crap, but I seriously wonder what the fuck is wrong with your taste buds. And for those who like their cranberry sauce from the can, I really, really, seriously wonder about the apparent disconnect between your eyes and your stomach. It’s food, shaped like a tin can. That ain’t right.

I don’t like food that has been shaped, even inadvertently, to resemble something else. Which is why I cannot even watch someone eat a McRib. They’re not ribs, people. They are God knows what shaped to look like ribs. I can’t even begin to express how horrifying I find that.

9. Do you decorate for Christmas on Thanksgiving day?

Here’s my schedule for Thanksgiving day: Wake up, watch parade while cooking, eat my weight in dressing and gravy, sleep, wake up, have some pie, have some more pie, have a few deviled eggs to top the old tank off, sleep. Do you see any room in there for decorating? Me either.

10. What are some special family traditions?

Parade. Turkey. Dressing. Gravy. Pie. Sleep. (It’s the circle of life, Simba)

11. Pumpkin pie or pecan?

Pumpkin. No. Pecan. No. Pumpkin. No. Wait. Pecan. Definitely Pecan. With butter and a piece of pumpkin pie on top. With Cool Whip holding it all together like some kind of culinary super glue. MAN, I love Thanksgiving!

12. What is your favorite thing to do with the leftovers?

I’m not sure exactly how many options there are for leftovers. I can only think of two choices: 1)Eat them cold and 2) Heat ‘em up and then eat them. I will be doing both.

13. How long will you spend eating your thanksgiving meal?

About the same amount of time it takes a swarm of locusts to level a cornfield. We don’t play, y’all.

14. Are you worried about putting on weight this Thanksgiving?

Oh, my yes. I’m so worried about it that we’re only having 5 different dessert dishes. I’m obviously terrified to gain an ounce. Quick! Somebody bring me a piece of lettuce so I can fill up before dinner.

15. What do you normally eat at Thanksgiving?

Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Dumbass.

16. What will you be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Pie.
17. What is your best Thanksgiving memory?

The time my cousin Judy and her boyfriend at the time insisted on hosting Thanksgiving for the entire extended family, and then sneaked off to their bedroom to have (loud) sex approximately every half hour. My grandmother was quite confused, my aunts were horrified and pissed off and all us cousins thought it was hilarious. You’ll note that this question wasn’t, “What was your proudest Thanksgiving memory?”.

18. Do you give cards or presents at Thanksgiving?

I’ve never even heard of such a concept. Do people do this? I need answers y’all. Impromptu survey! Has anyone ever given or gotten a gift for Thanksgiving (and it doesn’t count if you brought a package of heat and serve rolls that one year your mother asked you to)?

19. Are you planning on going shopping the day after Thanksgiving?

If by ’shopping’, you mean ’standing with the fridge door open trying to decide which pie to try this time’, then yes, I will be shopping.

20. Will you be waking up early to hit the sales?

No need to. Everything in the ’store’ is free. Just sitting there waiting for me to wake up and have dressing and gravy for breakfast.

****

Ok, the pie is out of the oven. We are back to Defcon 1. It actually doesn’t look that bad. Pie crust is forgiving, y’all. I’ll let you know how Pookie liked it. Or how he pretended to like it so as not to hurt my delicate fucking feelings.

I’m totally down with hot dogs and Chevrolet, though

The memes are stacking up here so I thought I’d go ahead and do one. Because I feel guilty when I get tagged and don’t do the meme. ANd the only thing that helps the guilt is pie. And I’m running low on pie.

The first meme I got was from Kate, so I’ll do hers first. Hopefully I’ll catch up with the other ones too. I have some really good questions from Mrs. Chili to answer and I definitely want to get to that soon.

Anyway, here’s the rules for this meme:

List one fact, word or tidbit that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your first or middle name. You can theme it to your blog or make it general. Then tag one person for each letter of your name.

I’ll be going with my first name, because it’s short. And I’m lazy. That is an awesome combo right there.

My first name is Mary, in case you didn’t know. If you have trouble remembering it, just think of Jesus’ mother. Or picture me polishing my halo. Whatever.

So here goes:

M- Myspace. I do actually have a profile. I made it so that I could keep an eye on the kids’ accounts, and I’ve jazzed it up a wee bit, but I mostly ignore it and I only have about 8 friends. If you have Myspace and would like to friend me, that would be great. I’d like to have more friends than my kids so I continue to claim that I am the coolest mom in the world.

A- Apple Pie. I’m going to make my very first homemade apple pie this Thanksgiving. I personally do not like apple pie (which causes Pookie to call me un-American every time it comes up), but Pookie loves it and I love him so I’m gonna give it a shot. Wish me luck. Wait. Wish Pookie luck. He’s the poor sucker that has to eat it.

R- Rack. I have a fairly impressive one (or two!). Now, I would normally never discuss my rack with y’all, but I asked Pookie for help with this letter and since he has a dirty mind (and a fairly spectacular obsession with my rack) this is what he came up with. I’m just glad I didn’t ask for his help with the letter ‘A’, or else we’d be talking about my ass right now. Which is also rather lovely, if I do say so myself. And I do.

Y- Yesterday. Yesterday I came down with the Herpes, aka Herbie the Love Bump (thanks Pat K.!). (Ok, wait. I am not thanking Pat for the herpes. He had nothing to with that. I’m pretty sure. I’m thanking him for naming the herpes.) Anyway, it’s not reeeally herpes. It’s a fever blister. Quit judging me!

I’m supposed to tag some folks now, but, because I am a chickenshit and do not play well with others, I’m just gonna throw that one out there and let whoever wants to do it, do it. I would appreciate a head’s up in the comments if you decide to do it so I can make sure to check out what you have to say, though.